Waiting for Jamie
by stilljustme
Summary: Pre-Series: starting nine months before Jamie's birth. Living with two little siblings can be hard. Living with three of them is gonna be hell... (or heaven; but he's the oldest, he mustn't say such things).
1. Gone

_A/N: As I couldn't find out the real ages of the Reagans, I just made them up myself…and hope that they aren't too wrong. Enjoy and please review! ;)_

Twelve-year-old Danny Reagan stood at the kitchen window, hands clasped around the sink's frame. When he had taken his position, his hands had been so hot and sweaty that the cold of the metal was soothing. Now the sweat had become cold, and the sink was even colder as he was standing there for more than an hour now, waiting, praying for his mom to come home.

"What are you doing here?"

Danny jerked back. Erin and Joe had sneaked up behind him, trying to see what their older brother saw. "Hey, guys", he said with what he thought was a convincing smile, "homework's done?" Erin scowled. "I always do my homework. You're the one who got a detention for tomorrow!"

"Detention? Seriously?" Joe's face lit up. At the age of nine, having to stay in school was no big thing – but it was a big thing to get one, and since it was Danny, it had to be a good big thing. For everything Danny did was good.

Erin's frown grew deeper, making her seeming older than her ten years. "That's not a good thing, Joe"; she said, trying not very successful to emulate her mother's stern voice. Joe wrinkled his nose. "You're not Mommy, Erin." Danny held his breath.

"By the way, where is Mom?" With all brutality she had (which was: none) she shoved Danny out of the way and took his position at the window. "Her car is gone!"

"Mom's away?" Joe's smile faded. "But she didn't tell us she would go." Danny put his arm around his little brother as he heard the slightly worried edge in his voice. "It's okay, Joe, Grandma's still here. Probably Mommy just needed to buy something for today's dinner."

Erin turned around, her eyes wide with confusion. This was obvious a lie, since on Tuesdays it was always Dad who brought home dinner (to Grandpa's deep frustration, but with three kids, Mary had pleaded for at least one evening without cooking). And Danny hated lying.

"You think so?" Joe was ready to believe anything his big brother said. Danny swallowed, then nodded. "Sure, buddy. Now Erin's done with her homework, are you too?"

Joe frowned, exactly the same way Erin had done. These two looked so similar that Danny sometimes suspected he had been adopted.

Eventually, he shook his head. "Too much", he complained, and then, with new hope enlightening his face, "can you help me?"

"Maybe later. Just start it yourself and see how far you get, and maybe I'll help you with the rest, okay?" "Okay."

As soon as Joe was out of sight, Erin spun around to face her brother. "You lied to him!", she whispered, "why did you do that? What's wrong with Mom? Why didn't she tell us?"

Despite the secret, Danny had to smile. His sister could be a real pest, but he loved the fire that burned in her eyes whenever she felt something was wrong. She might never be a cop (that wasn't a girl's job, and hell – if she would, Danny and Joe would have to stick with her forever), but she surely would join the good side. Like becoming a nurse or a doctor – at this thought, Danny's smile disappeared.

Gently, he led his little sister to the living room. Grandma Betty was sitting on the couch, knitting something that looked like…well, that looked like orange. Obviously, her heart was not in it.

"Have you ever seen her so unconcentrated while knitting?"

Erin took a second to consider, then shook her head. "Never. Is she ill?"

Danny sighed. "Not her."

"Mom?"

"I don't know." Quickly, Danny put an arm around Erin's shoulders, just as he had done with Joe before, and led her towards the stairs. "I just overheard her talking to Grandma, right after we came home. She said that she felt it but wasn't sure and that she wanted to check it out before she would go crazy, and Grandma said okay and that she shouldn't call Dad yet." The siblings sat down at the upper end of the stairs.

Erin bit her lip. "But what is "it"? Is it cancer?" Danny closed his eyes. Four years ago, Mary's father had died of pancreatic cancer. "No", he said firmly, "no, it's not. She's okay. The doctor's gonna find out what's wrong with her. And we can't tell Joe!"

"Sure." When it came down to being protective, Erin matched up with Danny easily. That was the Reagan blood, Grandpa Henry always said.

"But I have to find out what's the matter with Mom"; Erin added, her glance trailed off, "I need to know it now or I know I'm going crazy myself. You know any other diseases she could have?"

Danny stared at her blankly. "You make me going crazy! Go ask Grandma if you need to know everything!" He regretted the words as soon as he said them. Erin stood up, poked her tongue out to Danny and went down the stairs. "Grandma?"

Danny sighed. "Kids!" And then he ran to catch up.


	2. Being strong

„She wouldn't tell me!" Erin buried her face in the pillows. Danny sighed. "Okay. That doesn't have to mean anything." He had to stay calm. Maybe he couldn't convince Erin, but he could - and he needed to – convince Joe, who just walked into Danny's room and sat down on the bed, too. "So what we're gonna do now?" His voice was very earnest as he looked at his older brother. Danny knew the look. He really needed to be convincing in the next ten seconds, or Joe would start to cry. And he knew without seeing Erin's face that she was near crying, too.

"It's gonna be okay", he said firmly. Joe swallowed, and Danny quickly added, "Mom is fine. Hey, she's grown up! She doesn't need to tell us everything, she can drive for herself! Right?" As Joe nodded slowly, Danny nodded with him. "Exactly. Okay. No need to worry." He gently patted Erin's back. "Nothing's wrong, and now go do your homework, or she's gonna be angry when she comes home!"

"If", Erin murmured out of the pillows, and Danny hit her as he saw Joe's eyes water again.

"If?", he whispered. "No if!" Danny shouted, hitting Erin once again. "No if, Joe. Really. Erin just needs to see the worst in everything and anyone to show us how clever and strong she is, remember?"

"Screw you, Danny!" Erin jumped up and shoved her brother off the bed. "You know it's not that easy!" She stared at her older brother, tears of both anger and sorrow in her eyes. Danny shrugged and pointed towards Joe who was still fighting for comportment. For a moment, Erin frowned in confusion, but then she understood and nodded bravely. Danny smiled encouragingly. He knew that being there for Joe would also help Erin feel better, so shoved Joe into Erin's arms. "It's gonna be okay", she said, but her voice was not half as steady as Danny's had been, so the eldest helped her, "we're Reagans, guys. Reagans get through anything", Erin rolled her eyes at that and Danny shrugged, "mommy will be home soon, and then we can ask her, okay? Erin, you will ask!"  
"What? Why me again?" Erin let go Joe, for a moment the sorrow had left her eyes. "You're the eldest! You should ask!" "But you're the girl!" "So what? Why do girls have to talk every time?" "Cause you always keep your mouth open, Erin!"

Erin gasped, but Danny wasn't ready to take his words back. Not today.

The front door opened.

"I ask!" Joe ran down the stairs before his siblings could move.

"Mommy! Mommy, will you die?"

"Kids"; Erin sighed and stormed down after him. Danny bit his lip, not knowing if it was laughter or crying he wanted to stop. He was afraid, more than he would ever admit. From the moment Dad had lifted him up to the hospital bed to see his baby sister, Danny had felt responsible for her. Okay, maybe not from the first moment, since he had been only two then. Maybe not even right after Joe's birth. But he remembered the first day Erin went to school – the worried look on his parent's face. Erin was a nice girl most of the times, and she had no problems with making friends – but she could be a pest, and she was so stubborn! A typical Reagan quality, grandpa called it.

On this morning Danny had promised his parents to look after his little sister. And he had looked after her, without her knowing most of the times. When Joe had joined them in school, he had taken up the same vow for him. Whatever was going to happen, Danny would protect his siblings. He would make his dad proud, and he would make his mom smile.

That was his job.

And now…he couldn't protect them from what was coming now. He couldn't stop illness. Danny bit his lips harder as a single tear wound out of his eyes.

"Danny, c'mon, dinner's on the the table!" That was his father's voice, roaring up. Danny stretched and wiped away the tears. He had to be strong, for Erin, for Joe, for Dad. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe… maybe there was no reason to be worried at all.

"On my way!" He was a Reagan. He could do this.

Slowly, he walked down the stairs. Joe ran towards him, a big smile on his face. "Baby!", he cried. Danny's mask of composure was destroyed by confusion. "What?"

"Mom's having another baby!" Erin sang as she followed Joe, lifting him up into the air. "She's pregnant, that's why she went to the doctor! I'm gonna have a little sister after all!"

"Or another brother, Erin. We don't know yet." Frank smiled broadly as he left the kitchen, carrying a plate with meat. "Come on, guys!" Danny nodded, but didn't follow him.

"Mom?" Mary smiled, too, as Danny tapped into the kitchen. "They won't wait for you, honey, you better go eating, too!" Her smile disappeared as she saw the tears shivering in her son's eyes. "Danny, what's wrong?" He didn't answer as he wrapped his arms around her, cautiously to not hurt her or the baby. "You sure you're okay?"  
"Oh, Danny!" Mary pulled him closer and tousled his hair, something even Joe had forbidden her two months ago. Danny didn't object, and Mary laughed softly. "I'm very okay, Danny. I just can't eat anything right now because I'm feeling sick, that's normal when you're pregnant. And going to the doctor every once or twice a month also. But I'm feeling good, and I'm happy that you will have another brother or sister." She pulled him away so she could look into his eyes. "Are you happy?"

Danny nodded, tears of relieve now running down his face. "Yes, mom." He was happy about anything right now. Mary smiled, and he knew that he had said the right thing. "Go and have dinner, big boy!"

Before Danny left the kitchen, he turned around. "Mom? I will protect the baby, you know that! I will protect it like I do with Erin and Joe. It's gonna be okay."

"I know you will."


	3. Role models and dogs

"Joe, it's not funny anymore. Just stop it and eat!"

"But there's too much milk on my cornflakes! You made them wrong!"

"How old are you, three? You'll survive this, kid, I trust you!" Danny turned away from his brother and opened his maths book again. Stupid cubic equations, who on earth needed that stuff?

Joe scowled. "I'm old enough to know how I want my cornflakes to be", he grumbled – and flipped another milk-soaked piece towards Danny.

"Heaven's sake, Joe! You…"

"Danny, watch your tongue!" Frank's voice was stern and exhausted .

„Are you sure it's okay, Dad? She's been throwing up for days now!" Erin frowned as she followed her father down into the kitchen.

"I know, Erin"; Frank sighed as he searched the fridge for anything eatable, "I know. And yes, it is okay. Your mom will be fine. Now, where's the milk?"

"Joe's wasting it on the floor." "Danny's wasted it on my cornflakes, they're so soaked not even a dog would eat them!"

"What do you know about dogs? We don't have one", Erin pointed out. Joe shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat it." Then an idea crossed his mind "Dad, can we get a dog?"

Danny laughed, and Joe quickly added, "it could be a police dog, one that can sniff drugs and blood and stuff. Please?"

"That'd be great!" Erin's voice was filled with reluctant enthusiasm. Eventually excitement won over reason. "Dad, can we get a dog?"

"I thought you were so worried about mom", Danny interjected – and bit his lips as his father shot him a dangerously angry glance.

Erin and Joe frowned at the same time, and once again it struck Danny how similar they were. How close. And how far apart he was from them in so many ways.

"I thought she's okay?", Joe asked innocently. "She is", Frank answered without taking his eyes off Danny, "but I will drive you to school today. We'll buy your lunch on the way, so get ready, everybody!"

"Yeah!" Joe stormed out of the kitchen, leaving his half-eaten cornflakes on the table. "I just say mom goodbye!"

"Danny?" Frank held back his oldest son. "Can I have a word with you?"

"I'm sorry, dad." "I guess you are. And what for are you sorry?" Danny swallowed. "I reminded Joe of mom's throwing up…"

"Which he luckily didn't consider too much."

"…and I cursed him. Kind of. But I didn't mean it, I just… I'm worried, dad." Danny looked straight into his father's eyes. "Mom said being sick was okay for the first two months. She's almost in the fifth now, and she still can't eat anything."

"I know." Frank sighed heavily. "But your mom is a very strong woman, and she says she is okay. I know this is hard for you, son. It's hard for me, too. When you're old enough, you and I will have a very serious conversation about men and women and having babies and…" "I know how babies are made, dad!"

"Make them is just one side of the medal, Danny. It's in really having them that we men must show our strength. And no matter how hard we try, we can never be as strong as a mother is. We don't feel like they do, and we can't help them carrying the baby."

Danny looked sullen and Frank gently laid an arm around his shoulder. "That doesn't mean that you can't help her, though." He smiled as he saw Danny's face light up. "What can I do?"

"Well, it starts with learning to behave properly. You are your brother's role model, Danny. He looks up to you, and though she may not show it, Erin does, too. They trust you. Never forget that."

"I won't, Sir." Danny stood straight. "I will always protect them, and I'll protect the little one, I promise, I also told mom…"

"I know." Frank nodded. "And she is very happy about that. You're a wonderful young man, son. You're making your mom very proud of you. And me, too."

Danny beamed with pride.

"Dad, we've got to go now, your car's waiting!" Erin's voice broke up the moment. Quickly, the Reagan children huddled up in the back rear. "So you said goodbye to mom?" Danny did his best to keep his voice even. Joe nodded. "She smiled when she saw me. But she's pale."

"She's going to be okay, that's normal. You made her pale, too.", Erin quickly said. "You can't know that!" "I do!" Erin grinned as Joe stuck his tongue out to her. Then her eyes flew to Danny, asking for backing up.

_They trust you. Never forget that._

Danny smiled. "She'll be okay. Dad says she will, mom says she will, and grandma's not too worried, either. Gonna be alright."

"And if not, I've got an idea", Joe smiled. Erin frowned. "What do you mean, if not?"

"Well, if mom doesn't get better and can't have the baby, of course", Joe explained. "It's not like we need another baby in here…"

"Yeah, because you're still a baby, Joe", Erin smirked, and Danny bit back a grin.

Joe just shook his head. "Girls! No, I mean, if having another baby gets too hard on mom. We could ask for a dog instead!"

_I have to admit I don't know how nine-year-olds behave… or if they already know how babies are made. So sorry if I just made Joe more stupid than he ought to be. I promise he'll be much more mature once he's gotten over the shock._


	4. A room of one's own

A soft knocking woke him up. "Danny? Are you sleeping?"  
Danny sighed. "Yes."

He could almost see Joe frowning through the door. "You don't. Can I come in?"

"Sure." He sat up on his bed and lit the lamp on his desk so Joe wouldn't fall over his schoolbooks, lying where he had let them drop in the afternoon.

Joe took the mess in with astonishment. "That looks like after a hurricane!" Obviously not tired at all, he examined the room closely, crawling under the bed to collect some pencils Danny might have lost. Which he hadn't.

"Joe, it's nearly midnight! What's wrong?"

Slowly, Joe got up, worry in his eyes. "It's soon gonna be here. The baby, I mean." Danny nodded. "Yeah, nine weeks left. But we're prepared, aren't we? C'mon." He patted the blanket beside him and Joe climbed onto the bed. He was very earnest. "Are we?" His forehead was wrinkled with worry. "I'm not sure we are. I'm not."

"You're not? Well maybe you should get some sleep and tomorrow you will be ready." Danny, already regretting to have let Joe onto his bed, extinguished the lamp. Silvery moonlight flecked the floor.

"No!" Determined, Joe shook his head. "That won't do." He had caught that phrase from grandpa.

Danny rubbed his eyes and yawned. He was tired. School almost killed him and Erin wasn't too easy to handle, either. Not that she ever had been, but recently she really went crazy.

"What's wrong, Joe?" Joe bit his lips. His glance wandered through the room as he murmured, "we're never going to be the same."

"The same?" Danny tried to get a look into his younger brother's eyes, but he seemed caught up in the shadows on the floor.

"Okay, Joe, I'm awake, now what is wrong?" That was a lie, since he still was tired, but Joe was always the happy one of the Reagan children – they needed him to be the happy child, since neither Erin nor Danny were good at charming and flattering elders.

Joe shrugged. "I just think that… when the baby's here, we're gonna have to do something with it. We're gonna have to play with it and listen to it and help it doing homework…" "That'll take time, trust me!"

"But we're gonna!" Joe scowled. "I like it now, with just the three of us, why do we need another baby?"

"Cause we already have you?" Gently Danny pulled his little brother closer. "Joe, we've got a wonderful family, don't we?" "Yes!" "And you know mommy and daddy and grandma and grandpa and Erin and I love you? You know that?"

Joe's face went red, and Danny smiled. In any other situation it would be him to be embarrassed by the words he was saying – but deep in the night, with only black and silver to see, it was Joe who hedged at speaking, while he suddenly felt very mature. Holding Joe close he continued, "we all love you and we all love the rest of our family – right, given, Erin's a pest sometimes, but we love her still, don't we?" He waited for Joe to nod. "And now we're gonna have another family member. That's good, Joe! That means there's one more who will love you." Joe frowned. "It's a baby. It doesn't love, it just cries!" "Really? Cause you cried too, at the beginning, you cried and cried and I couldn't even stand being in the same room as you were." Danny winked as he confessed that, but he felt uneasy. What if Joe would feel unwanted now? He was so sensitive sometimes. More sensitive even than Erin. "What I want to say, Joe, is that I believe you love me though you cried at me for three months. Is that true?"

Joe blushed again, but he managed to nod and Danny laughed. "I love you too. And I tell you something: the baby's gonna love you too. You're joining the big brother force now, Joe. You'll always be my and Erin's first little brother but to the baby you'll be a big brother. Don't tell me you don't like that."

Joe's forehead wrinkled as he thought about it for a long time. "No", he said eventually, "But do I really have to love it back? What if I hate it?"

Danny shrugged. "You won't. Trust me, you won't." He wanted to say something more, but he didn't know what. He never really had had the chance to be jealous of one of his siblings – he hadn't felt how it was to be the only child, and being the oldest, he had never been the baby, either. He was used to share his position – as long as he got his own room. Joe wasn't.

"And when I don't hate it…when I love it…will you be more my big brother or his?" Joe asked shyly. "There's no being more or less big brother, Joe. But I tell you something, you are in any case more than I. I've never been a little brother, I've always been the big one. You'll be both of it. And that's great!" Joe nodded obediently.

"See? And now go and sleep, big brother, or I'll have to kick you out!" Danny yawned again. "Old man!", Joe grinned as he slipped down the bed. There was still sorrow written on his face, and Danny hated to see it. But what could he do? The baby was about to change their world.

"Good night, Danny." "Night, Joe."

"Uhm… Danny?" "What is it, kid?" "I… I love you too."

"Danny, Erin, can I have a word with you?" Frank smiled as he called his children, but his eyes remained earnest. With a questioningly glance – _what have you done this time?_ – they followed him into the kitchen. Mary sat at the desk, hands on her swollen belly. She was much better now, and her smile calmed Danny. Erin, however, was still alarmed: "Everything okay with the baby?" Mary nodded. "Yes, darling, we're good. But we need to talk to you both about it." She looked at Frank who had gently placed a hand over hers. He smiled, too, but the smile faded at the task before him. "Danny, Erin, I will make this short. And I trust in your understanding." The kids stared at him, bewildered, and Mary shook her head, sighing. "What your father wants to say is that you will have to share a room. Joe needs his space and you…"

"You want us to do what?" Erin's voice was shrill with bewilderment. "Dad, you can't put us together, that's not fair!"

"She's right, dad, I didn't do anything! You can't do this! Why can't I go together with Joe? Erin's gonna drive me crazy!"

"You already are crazy, you idiot!"

"Just because I'm living in the same house as you! You make everyone going crazy, you stupid…"

"You're such a bastard!" Erin was close to tears.

"Screw you, Erin!"

"Screw you, Danny!"

"Enough!", Frank bellowed. His eyes shot missiles of disappointment that were more lethal than any bullet. Danny bowed his head in shame. He had promised to be a good son. But then again – one room with Erin? For as long as the baby would live in the house?

"I can't do this, dad. And neither can Danny!" Erin's voice was stifled by her tears, but there was an earnest in it that convinced everyone. Always. For a moment, Danny admired her for her ability of looking into their father's eyes – sad but proud, and determined. "Dad, I can sleep on the sofa in our living room, but I won't live in the same room as this frowsy, disgusting, stupid…"

"Erin!" Mary's voice was even sterner than her husband's had been. She looked tired now. "You know, being pregnant is not that easy. I have already made some sacrifices for this baby, and your father has as well. Is it too much asked for you to do the same?"

Now it was Erin whose head went red and down. Danny couldn't help thinking about Joe's words three weeks before: _"I like it now, with just the three of us, why do we need another baby?" _He swallowed down an answer and waited. Erin looked at him shyly, and he shook his head. It wouldn't work. It simply wouldn't work. "Dad" Danny tried to sound reasonable, "please. Erin's right." "We will make sacrifices", Erin promised, "and we'll be good siblings, but we can't live in the same room, daddy, please!"

Frank sighed. "Alright. We will talk about this another time." He looked at his children. "Go upstairs. As far as I remember there's a Latin test tomorrow, son, and I expect more than a C from that."

Erin punched her brother as they went upstairs. "You're so pathetic, Danny!" "Really, Erin, screw you!"

"We can't put them together, Frank"; Mary sighed. She closed her eyes, and Frank gently pulled her into his arms and kissed her. "There's a good point in it after all", he said, "they had the same opinion. Just for two minutes, but they had it." Mary laughed softly. "So what are we going to do now?" "I think we need a bigger house."


	5. What we've been waiting for - part 1

_Thanks for the amazing reviews! I'm sooo happy you like the story. _

_The next three chapters will deal with the sibling's first meeting with Jamie – starting with Joe, because his character still is the most difficult for me to write. _

Sixteen hours. Joe counted them, from the moment his mom had jerked at dinner to the moment Dad opened the door with tears in his eyes. For a second, Joe's heart stopped. Then he saw the big smile on his father's face. "You wanna see your little brother?"

"Yeeees!" He heard himself screaming, in a voice so high-pitched that Danny would mock him for it for at least a year – but it didn't matter. Mommy was okay, and so was their brother. A boy, thank God! He wasn't sure if he would survive another sister. Though, if she was only a baby…

Joe didn't notice his siblings' smile as they let him go first. He didn't even notice his father's hand on his shoulder as he led him to the bed. He just ran to his mom, crying and laughing at the same time. "I love you, mommy!"

"I love you to, honey!" Her voice was weak, but she was beaming as he crawled up to the bed and into her arms. "Do want to see your brother?"

No. Actually – right now he just wanted to stay where he was. He had tried to be glad about getting another sibling, but he just wasn't. He liked it the way it was, and he missed his mom. But "no" wouldn't be the correct answer, so he nodded bravely.

"Jamie, say hello to your brother Joe", he heard Dad say and then, so fast he couldn't even start to think about what might be happening – the baby was placed into Joe's arms. Mary supported him and actually carried the weight of both her sons, but Joe did feel his brother's skin on his own – so smooth and soft and warm. Like a puppy, but with less hair. He couldn't help but smile at the thought.

Jamie opened his eyes and automatically mimicked the movement – he smiled back at Joe.

Joe was stunned. "Dad? Why is he smiling at me?", he whispered. Frank laughed softly. "I guess he's happy to finally see you, Joe."

"Is he?" Joe bent down closer to the little head. Everything was so tiny! The ears, the nose – looking like a spade – the lips, opened wide and wriggling. The only big things were the eyes, big brown eyes. They looked a bit like Danny's.

That baby was freaking beautiful! Joe stared in awe as his new brother smiled at him and eventually closed his eyes, still smiling. Frank was beaming with pride. "You'll be a good team, son."

"We'll be!" At Joe's exited voice, Jamie opened his eyes again. Joe hurried to smile at him, and was gifted with a smile back. "We'll be a good team", he promised, and then a new idea hit him. He moved very close to Jamie's face and whispered into his ear, "You know, the two of us, we can do anything! And Danny and Erin won't stop us because we're two, too! You and me we'll be partners against them if they get stupid." He bit his lips as he thought over the plan. "Okay, Danny isn't stupid. He's really cool. He's going to be a hero, just like dad is. And Grandpa." Then he realized it – "God, you don't even know Grandpa, don't you? I'm gonna tell you about him…" Joe would have told Jamie the whole family history had Frank not stopped him. "He's tired, Joe, and so is your mom." "But…" "Danny and Erin will want to see Jamie, too!" Gently Frank hoisted him off the bed while Mary took her youngest and kissed him. "That was worth it"; she whispered, and both Frank and Joe nodded.

"Mom! Mom, Dad, let me in!" Joe couldn't help but laugh at his sister's cry. He nodded at his dad and went over to the door. Just before he opened it, he turned around. "I was the first one to see Jamie."

"Yes. Besides your dad and the doctors, yes. Is that okay?" Mary looked at him and now Joe felt them too: tears of joy climbing in and out of his eyes. He nodded. "That's great, mom! Love you. Love you, Jamie! Oh yes, and love you, dad." Frank chuckled. "We love you, too, Joe."

"Joe, get out!"

But Joe stopped again. "Will we always be a family? Even if we are all grown up and only Jamie's still living with you?"

Mary nodded. "Always, my dear. I promise." Frank bent down till he was at eye height with Joe. "Joseph Conor Reagan", he said solemnly, "you are my son. You are your mother's son. You're a younger brother of Danny and Erin, you're an older brother to Jamie now. You are grandson to Steven and Mary, and Henry and Betty." Joe frowned. "But grandpa Steve and grandma Mary…" "…will always be your grandparents, though they're not here with us anymore." At that, Frank turned around and soothingly put his arm around Mary who had started to sob a little. His words, though, were directed at Joe – and he would never forget them.

"Family isn't bound to years. No matter where you are, no matter how old you are and no matter what you do – you will always be a part of this family. And we will love you as long as we live. There will be times when you don't understand me. There might be times when you hate me. There might be times, even, when we don't speak to each other at all. And it will hurt, son, because love isn't always a happy thing. You felt that yourself when you were worried about your mom these past months. But you must never forget that no matter how far apart we may seem, I am always your father, and you are always my son, and this is the firmest bond that God has created. And me and your mom, we will love you. Forever."

He cleared his throat. "And now you should better let Erin in before she breaks the door."


	6. What we've been waiting for - part 2

Erin almost fell over Joe as he opened the door, so eagerly had she been to see the baby. Now, though, she wasn't sure what to do. Should she really get close to mom yet? What if the baby saw her as a threat? And would mom look at her at all, with the newborn around? What did you say in moments like this?

"Come on, Erin, he won't bite you!" Mary smiled.  
"I know", Erin said irritated, "he's got no teeth yet." Then she realized the comment wasn't meant literally. "Sorry." She bit her lips and slowly approached the bed. "How are you, mom?"  
"Tired. In pain. Hungry, actually. And as happy as a mother can be."  
Erin swallowed. "That's good."  
"Erin? I'm happy because you're Jamie's big sister." Mary's voice got stern. "You will need to protect him sometimes. Joe loves Jamie, and I'm sure Danny will love him too – you should have seen his smile when we let him hold you for the first time – but they're boys." She pulled her daughter closer while Frank held Jamie, and whispered, "they're gonna show him he's the youngest and weakest and must do what they say. And that's not a bad thing, and it doesn't make bad boys out of them. No, it doesn't", she added a little louder when Erin frowned, "boys are different than girls." "Really, mom?" Erin's voice was loud too – and so sarcastic that Mary backed away. Frank frowned. "Erin, what's wrong?"  
"Why am I always supposed to keep everything in order? Danny and Joe get through with anything because they're boys and we can't expect them to think. And I've got to do everything right! I don't wanna protect Jamie, why should I? Give him two years and he'll be running after Danny right as Joe does, and never wastes a second about protecting me!"  
That was unfair and she knew it. She knew that Danny was trying to take care of her every second of the day, and actually – she was old enough, she needed no extra-protection. Still it hurt to know that she was just a baby-sitter again.

"Erin, you will apologize for this." Frank's voice was calm, but it was a calmness the children feared more than shouting. "Now."  
Erin swallowed, tears of fear and shame burning in her eyes. "Sorry, mom."  
"It's okay, honey", Mary said gently, but her eyes glowed as she looked at Frank. "I guess you know your brothers do care for you, don't you?" Erin quickly nodded. "Good. Your brothers love you, even if they don't show it. You don't either, sometimes." She lifted Erin's chin gently and looked into her eyes. "I trust you to know how to be with Jamie. I hope you love him, and I hope he'll look up to you the way Danny and Joe do. But I can't force him to, and neither can I force you to love Jamie. You will see for yourself. But you're a Reagan, and you're a Reagan too, so I expect you to be there for him if he needs you. Can you promise me that, big girl?"  
Erin nodded again, firmer now. "I promise, mom." She turned around to her dad, for a moment having forgotten the anger in his eyes.  
Frank looked at his daughter, not yet calmed down, and she Erin held the glance bravely.  
Mary sighed. "You're so stubborn, both of you. Now for my sake, could you please be nice to each other again?"  
"I'm sorry, dad", Erin whispered, and Frank nodded. The joy in his face, never completely disappeared, bloomed again. "I know. I just wish I'd understand you." Again he looked into his only daughter's eyes, trying to find out how the female brain was working. Eventually he smiled, hugged Erin and as he let go, placed Jamie into her arms.

The baby cocked his head as he looked at his big sister. Erin held her breath, suddenly afraid Jamie had heard her words. Maybe he remembered them and found the sense behind them one day! She smiled shyly, and immediately Jamie smiled back, broadly and giggling. Erin felt her heart melting towards the little bundle in her arms, so definitive that it made her cry. As she gently kissed her brother's forehead, the little one wrinkled his nose – and smiled again. Mary laughed softly. "I think he likes you."  
"He's co cute!" Like Joe before Erin couldn't help but stare at Jamie. "Mom? I promise", she murmured, carefully not to frighten Jamie who now closed his eyes and yawned, "I won't let Danny and Joe hurt him. I'm gonna protect him."  
Frank beamed with pride. "We know you will, Erin." He looked at his wife. "She's gonna be good mom, don't you think?"  
Mary chuckled. "She's my daughter, what did you expect?" She leant back in the cushions, the glow of joy could no longer hide how exhausted she was. Frank sat down beside her, put his arms around her and kissed her pale cheeks. "Danny can wait to see him. He'll understand."  
Mary shook her head. "I don't want him to understand. I don't want any of my children to cut back because of me. That's not how it should be."  
"But that what's family is for, mom." Erin stood right before the bed. Carefully and with a big smile on her face she laid Jamie in Frank's arms where she kissed him again. "Be a good boy and kick Danny for me!" Then she looked at Mary. It was obvious she had just matured a lot. "Family means you do thing you don't want to help others. Actually, that's not even family, that's plain courtesy. We love you, and we want to have you around for a few hundred years longer. Danny has to understand, and he will, and…" She frowned. "And he will gladly", she said eventually, grumbling at the thought that she just had said anything good about her brother.

Mary smiled with tears of disappointment of herself hovering in her eyes. "Frank, why don't you take Jamie outside so Danny can see him?", she suggested. Frank shook his head. "I won't leave you alone, Mary, I told you."  
"I know", she sighed, "you told me about five hundred times at our wedding, and even more often when I was in labor with Danny."  
"See?"  
"Okay." Her head leaning on her husband's chest, her hand protectively lying on her baby, Mary closed her eyes. "Give me ten minutes. Erin, honey, could you please tell Danny he can see Jamie in a few minutes?"

"Of course, mom. Love you three." Erin smiled like an angel as she left the room.  
"Danny? Mom says you gotta wait till you see him! I think she wants to protect him from a beast like you!"


	7. What we've been waiting for - part 3

Danny had no hurry to see his new brother. He had spent the last few days helping his dad making the kitchen baby-safe, and he just had bugged up a math test. Joe had slept badly for a week, due to a mixture of TV and anxiety. So he had walked over to Danny every night - and Danny's bed was just too narrow for two people. Joe, of course, had slept very well there. He hadn't. And now there was another baby to be watched over. Danny loved his little siblings, there was nothing he wouldn't do for them – but right now he didn't know how to handle another one.  
Thank God it was a boy. Erin had complained at the beginning, but Danny knew that she was secretly enjoying being the only girl. And a boy would be easier, he had to believe that.

As the hours passed by, however, Danny got seriously worried. He had heard more about his mom's problems during the pregnancy than she had wanted, and he had heard her screaming through the doors. It hadn't only been pain, at one point it had been pure exhaustion. That was the moment when Danny decided never to have children of his own.

Erin and Joe had fallen asleep, both smiling, as the door opened. Danny, pacing up and down the corridor, froze. Frank took the situation in – Erin holding Joe in her arms, both covered with Danny's jacket, and beamed with pride. "Thank you, son."  
Danny nodded earnestly. "Of course, dad." Then the child in him won over. "How's mom and the baby?"  
"Both just woken up for you", Frank smiled and opened the door for his eldest. "His name's Jamie. And he looks a lot like you!"  
"Hopefully not"; Danny grumbled. None of his siblings looked like him. And he didn't know if he really wanted to have anyone looking like him.  
Mary smiled at him, her cheeks a healthy red now. Sleep and breakfast had been good. She reached out for her son, and he approached – very closely to not wake up the baby she held in the other arm. "You look wonderful, mom."  
"Thank you, Danny", Mary laughed. "And thanks for being so patient with us." She watched her son closely. "You remember what you promised me?" Danny nodded earnestly. "I will protect him, mom. I promise." His mother laughed. "I know you will, Danny, but that wasn't exactly what I meant."  
Danny was confused. Had he done anything wrong?  
Mary gently caressed his face. "I meant what you've promised me when you left primary school. You said that you knew we're always here for you, and that you'll come to us with every problem."  
"Yeah, and I do!", Danny protested, flipping through his memory. What hadn't he told his parents?  
"What about your math test last week, by the way?"  
Oh. That.  
Frank closed the door behind him. "My parents just arrived. They'll look after Erin and Joe." Mary nodded.

Danny felt fear rising in his stomach and icing up his throat. Why did dad think about math now? And why did they need grandpa and grandma to watch over the little ones, that was his job!

"It's bad"; he quickly said, head lowered in shame. "I'm sorry, dad." He wasn't sure if his father would hit him, he never did for bad marks, but this was the second math test he'd screwed up. Frank nodded slowly. "That's not good, son." Danny bit his lip. "I'm sorry." Then a new thought came up and almost brought tears into his eyes. "Does that mean I can't see Jamie?"  
He realized that he did want to see his brother. Right now.

Mary sighed. "No, honey. It means that you had to look after Erin and Joe too much in the past weeks. And we're sorry for that. We…"  
"We trust you, Danny, and we're blessed to have you", Frank completed the sentence and then halted, allowing Danny to let pride warm him up. "But I expect you to take school seriously, son. Not because you're the eldest. Because you're a Reagan. Understood?"  
"Yes, dad. Thank you."  
"Now, have we finished school and can move over to family business?" Mary mocked. As her husband nodded, she kissed the little bundle and carefully laid it in Danny's waiting arms. "He looks like you"; she said, but Danny didn't hear it.

A heartbeat. That was all it took for Daniel Henry Reagan to forget math and school and his parents. All it took to raise a sense of protection in him, stronger than with Joe. Stronger than even with Erin. When they were born, Danny hadn't been able to do much to protect them.  
Now it was different. He would be an adult when Jamie would go to school. He was old enough now to protect his baby brother – and he would.  
A heartbeat to be charmed by Jamie's big brown eyes. Eyes that looked like his own, he realized, just somewhat better.

Danny didn't smile at Jamie as he held him. But he prayed, silently. He prayed for Jamie to be happy and healthy, no matter what he'd have to do for it. It was the same prayer he said every night for his family, and God had not always fulfilled his wishes.  
As he carefully heaved Jamie up to his face, the little one smiled. For a moment, Danny smiled, too, but this felt too solemn to smile like that. He knew he should say something important now – he was the eldest, after all, and he had waited so long. He should by now know what to say.  
"Hey, Jamie", he whispered, still afraid to frighten him, "I don't know what the others told ya, but we're your family. We're the Reagans, actually, which is even more. You know, just… more. We're gonna take of you, all of us, and… well, I'm not sure you will really take care of us. Maybe you make Erin smile more, she's a pest when she's sulky. And you could make Joey wanting to behave older. I don't know." Gently he kissed Jamie's forehead and laid it back into his smiling mother's arms. "Whatever, Jamie, the most important thing you've got to do for us is to be happy and healthy, okay? The rest will adjust." He followed the line of Jamie's nose down with his fingers, resting it under his chin. The baby squealed with delight, and Frank chuckled. "Poor boy."  
Danny smiled. "I won't tell them, I promise." He had one secret already with his little brother. None of the other children were ticklish. He sat down at his mother's bed and kept staring at Jamie who now yawned and closed his eyes.  
Mary and Frank smiled at each other, and Mary tousled her elder's hair. For once, Danny didn't complain.

"I guess I call the rest in then?"  
"Do that." Mary was still smiling at her boys as Frank let in the family. They all hurried in, laughing, crying, everything at once, all telling each other to be silent. Three grandparents, Mary's sister, two detectives. Mary put Jamie into a cradle next to her bed so the others wouldn't crush him as they gathered around her. Danny kept his place near his baby brother.  
Erin and Joe came in with hands entwined, both feeling a little lost.  
Without looking back Danny extended his hand, waiting for Joe to catch it, then pulled his siblings close to him. They stood at their brother's cradle, silently watching over him.  
"He's cute", Erin murmured. "He's gonna be much more nicer than you two. I'll take care of that."  
Danny smiled and put an arm around her, the other around Joe.  
Joe, however, frowned. "We'll see, Erin. We'll see."


	8. Just one moment

_Happy Easter everyone! I'm not too happy with this chapter, writing seems oddly difficult right now and I don't know why… *grumbles*_

"Let me take him! Let me take him!"  
"You're not strong enough yet, you'll let him drop!"  
"I won't! I'm already stronger than you, Erin! Let me…"  
"No!"

Danny sighed. Jamie was home for ten days now, and today was the first time that both their parents left the house together – just for a short walk around the block, and Grandma stayed with the children, but it was time alone enough for Erin and Joe to claim responsibility for the baby. Of course, right now there was not much to be done with Jamie, actually: He slept a lot (during the day, mind you, not during the night) and squealed loud and delighted at almost everything they put into his hands. And he smiled, he still smiled whenever he saw one of his family.  
Danny found himself smiling, too, at the thought of the little one. It was different than it had been with Erin and Joe. They had mostly grown up with him, at almost one level.  
The three years that parted him from Joe were enough for him to help the younger at school and getting through to him when the women of the family didn't, but it was not nearly enough to really see the development of a new life. Besides fighting whoever threatened them and helping them with their homework, there was not much he could for his siblings (and mostly Erin wouldn't let him help her, anyway).  
"Erin, pleeease!"  
With Jamie, it would be different.  
"I said no! You can have him when mom's back, I can't allow you to…"  
"You can't forbid it, either!"  
"Joe!"  
"Please!" As he heard Joe sobbing Danny closed his math book. The only bad thing with Jamie was that his siblings, too, seemed to be babies again now.  
"Please, Erin?"  
"Crybaby! How do you want to…oh, for heaven's sake… Joe, wait!"

Something bumped onto the floor.

Danny felt his heart beat speed up, hard and painful. _One second. Two seconds_. It was deadly silent in the house.  
_Three seconds_.

Just as Danny stormed out of his room and down the stairs he heard Jamie start to cry.  
Relief and fear brought tears into his eyes to as he broke down next to the baby on the floor. Jamie screamed like he was stabbed, but there was no blood to be seen and he moved his head – that was a good thing, wasn't it? Why was grandma sleeping now? What should he do?  
"Erin", Danny whispered hoarsely, "go get grandma. Now!"  
"I'm here, Daniel." Briskly the old woman walked into the room, ignoring her older grand-children who were all crying by now as she examined Jamie closely, gently moving her fingers down his spine. "It's okay, sweetheart, we're all here for you", she murmured soothingly, and the tone of her voice seemed to calm the baby down a bit.  
As he stopped screaming Danny stood up. At once, Joe ran for him. "I thought she still held him", he cried into his big brother's pullover, "I really thought…"  
"And I thought you already had him"; Erin said, "I should've never given him to you, you could have killed him!"  
"Erin!" Both Danny's eyes and his voice were on fire. "You handed him over, remember?" He swallowed as his look wandered over to Jamie again. He was too quiet, suddenly, and so pale. He was far too pale. "Grandma, do you think…"  
Just in that moment, Jamie started screaming again – and now it wasn't out of the shock of falling down, it was out of pain. Erin gasped and jerked back. "Jamie!"  
"Danny…" Grandma's voice was very calm but Danny's stomach turned to ice. She always called him „Daniel".  
„Call 911!"

They were sitting in the hospital's waiting room. Again. Fourteen days ago, Danny had been worried. He had been scared at some moments.  
Now he felt like his whole body had turned to ice. He knew this feeling, this fear. Overwhelming and painful and so strong that he couldn't run from it. He had felt it before – when Erin had gone missing at the zoo. She had only been four then – old enough to let go of mom's hand (unlike Joe, who was just three), but far too young to walk around alone.  
She had been his responsibility. And he had lost her.

Those twenty minutes running around and looking for Erin were the longest of his life. She could have got eaten by the lions, or drunk in the seal's pool – God knew how she always managed to get into trouble, but she did – or she could have been clumped to death by elephants.  
Danny knew that all of these scenarios were highly unlikely – but they were easier to think about than the other possibility. Erin could have got kidnapped.  
She could be alone, afraid, hurt. He was not old enough for knowing about sex yet, but he knew that violation had something to do with undressing people and hurting them.  
Someone could do that to his baby sister right now. Because he let go of her.  
They had found her at the panda cage, crying but unharmed. Mom and Joe hugged her at once, but Danny was too ashamed.

"Stop walking around, you're driving me crazy!" Erin's eyes were filled with the same terror he felt. Joe, however, was far less understanding. "You should really stop giving orders, Erin, it doesn't work out well when you do!"  
"Joe!", Erin cried, tears welling up and rolling down her cheeks. Searching for help, she turned to Danny. "I didn't want to…"  
"Of course you didn't!" For the first time in ages, his little sister didn't back away as Danny hugged her, and he found solace in the fact that at least he could comfort her. Of course, the only thing that would really calm them down would be mom and dad walking out the door with Jamie in their arms, smiling.

They waited for two hours, each second getting longer and filled with more fear. Eventually Joe whispered his sorry to Erin, at which she just pulled him close. They sat huddled together in silence, trying to talk about school and weather and other stuff that mattered sometimes else. Then finally, their dad reappeared. Joe ran to him. "Where's mom?"  
"Mom's gonna stay with Jamie."  
Joe stepped back. Danny froze. He's okay, he tried to think. He must be okay. At least he's alive, he's alive, and he'll be okay!  
Erin gathered all her courage: "Will he be okay?"  
Dad sighed. "Yes, he will. There's nothing broken, thank God. They want him here over night to check the bruises on his spine so they won't hinder the blood going to his brain…" He stopped as Joe grimaced in both relief and disgust.  
"I'm sorry, dad! It was my fault, I shouldn't have… I'm sorry." Erin didn't dare to look into her father's eyes. Frank shook his head. "It wasn't your fault, Erin. These things can happen. You should have been more careful, and we shouldn't have left so early." He didn't notice his children's faces. "Your little brother is a warrior, and he'll be fine. But we have to be more careful now. All of us. Understood?"  
"Understood." They nodded. Joe grabbed his elder sibling's hands. "Can we see him?"  
Despite the fear that had shaken him in the past hours, Frank couldn't help but smile. "Yes. But be quiet."


	9. Easter Sunday

_Just a very short one, before the Easter holidays end!_

"Danny, get up! You're missing everything! Get up!"  
Yawning, the eldest Reagan son opened his eyes. How did all the light come in? Hadn't he closed the curtains last night?  
Then he saw the shadow moving through the room. He reacted instinctively and threw a pillow in the direction. Joe fell down as if hit earnestly. "You kill your brother on Easter Sunday? Grandma will be very angry if you do!"  
"Only if I tell her about it", Danny murmured. Throwing his only pillow at Joe had been a bad idea. He couldn't sleep without it, and Joe knew that. With a broad grin, the younger one ran out of the nd down the stairs , swaying the pillow like a trophy behind him. "C'mon, Danny! Jamie's up too! Ouch!"

Danny froze. Not again. "Joe?"  
"I'm okay, Erin caught me!" Danny closed his eyes to thank God for his sister. His nerves were strained enough with seeing Jamie in his orthopedic corset – just precaution, the doctors had said, but he had to wear it for eight weeks, at least ten hours a day.  
He couldn't handle having Joe in danger or pain now.

"Danny? You've fallen asleep up there? Can I have your chocolate, then?"  
Danny sighed. "No, Erin, you can't!", he called down as loud as he could. Actually he was half on letting her have it – he was tired! He had lived through twelve Easter Sundays in his life, they weren't that thrilling.

"Daaaaaannnyyyy!" That was Joe. If he wanted, he was even louder than Jamie.  
"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhyyyywlllllbaaa!" And that was Jamie, clearly woken up. Not that he slept very much.  
"I want to find a bed in my basket", he grumbled as he scuffled down the stairs.  
The rest of the family – except Grandpa who was cooking every Easter Sunday (another reason Danny wasn't so keen on it) – was already in the garden.  
It was late April, the sun was shining and the grass was warm, warm enough for them to search for their Easter baskets in their pyjamas.

Danny saw Joe racing through the grass, but Erin stayed close to mom. As she saw her big brother, she waved him closer. "C'mon, Danny, he's getting rid of it!"  
Quickly Danny stood next to his sister as their mom carefully unwrapped their baby brother of the heavy corset.  
Jamie smiled and squealed as the hot weight was put from him and immediately turned his head in every direction to see what he'd been missing till now. His diaper-padded backside bounced with every move he made, causing the Erin to giggle so much that she fell back into the grass. At once, Jamie grabbed her hand and tried to climb onto her.  
Danny was relieved to see that the corset hadn't taken the little one's energy away.

"Joe, c'mon, Erin's down!" For a very brief moment Danny thought to see something like jealousy in Joe's eyes as he approached, but it had vanished when he came closer, a basket in his hands. "I was just checking if Jamie had also got something!", he said, and added silently, "but he didn't. Is he too young for Easter presents?"

Danny grabbed his brother and flung him into the air – give the boy another two years and he would be too big to do so. With three years younger, Joe was almost as tall as Danny was.  
Right now, however, he was giggling as if he was four. "Danny!"  
"What?" Danny didn't let go but started to tickle Joe – effortless as usual.  
"Why would Jamie want chocolate when he can have us as siblings, hm?", he asked. Joe grinned. "But I want you and Erin and Jamie and chocolate!"  
Erin, cradling a rather agitated Jamie in her arms, nodded. "Me too!"  
"Okay, give him to me and go looking!" Danny volunteered, but Joe shook his head. "You were too busy with sleeping, now you go searching too. I get to take care of Jamie." The look in his eyes was absolutely earnest, and Danny nodded solemnly. "Do that, big brother Joseph."  
At this, Joe's dignity broke down and he giggled again.  
"Boys!" Erin rolled her eyes but eventually put Jamie down into the soft grass again. Joe sat down beside him, ready to catch him should he fall to the side – though there was no possibility he could hurt himself now.

"Ready, Ms. Reagan?" Danny asked charmingly as he led his sister further into the garden.  
Erin wasn't the least deceived. "The first one to find his basket gets half the loser's chocolate!", she cried and stormed off.  
Danny looked around. At the apple tree? No. The hazel bush? No. Where the lawn gnome was standing? …wait…  
He grinned. "You're losing, Erin!"


	10. NIghtmares

_Alright…those of you who have read my OS „I'll stay till you're asleep" will know how this chapter came to me.  
Let's skip some four years…_

"Danny, please…don't go!" Jamie sat up in his bed, his big blue eyes even bigger than usual with fear. "What is it now, Jamie?" Danny sighed as he stood up from the bedside, "I've got homework to do!"  
"You can do it here"; the four-year-old quickly offered. "Really, you can switch on all the lamps if you want! But don't go, Danny! Please?"  
"God's grace, Jamie, what are you afraid of?" Danny loved his brother, he really did, but since Jamie had an own room, he hardly slept alone. And Danny really had homework to do.  
Jamie bowed his head in shame. "It's too big alone. I miss someone to talk to."  
"You miss Joe?", Danny asked. The brothers had shared their room before. Jamie shrugged. "I miss you too, Danny. You're braver than Joe."  
"I'm not. Besides, why do you need someone brave?"  
The inquisitive look made Jamie's chin quiver. "I… Joe said there's a frog in the closet. A really big one, and it wants to eat me! Please, Danny!"  
Danny cursed under his breath. Joe should know better than to tell Jamie horror stories. He was only four, of course he thought they were real!  
"Danny? Please…" Tears filled Jamie's eyes, and Danny felt his anger melt away with everything else, directly towards those eyes.  
"Of course I'll stay", he promised, "Let's go find this frog, shall we?"  
Jamie's troubled face lit up. "Really? Thank you, Danny!" Then he got earnest again. "Danny…"  
Danny smiled. "Of course, kid. I'll stay till you're asleep."  
"Thank you!" Crying with relief Jamie got out of his bed and hugged Danny tight, his arms reaching only around the belly of his older brothers.  
Danny tousled his brother's hair."Don't mention it, Jamie. That's my job, remember? I'm your big brother. I'm gonna watch over you. I'll protect you from everything. I promise."  
"I love you, Danny."  
"Love you too, little one."

- half an hour later -  
Danny shook his head as he left Jamie's room and went over to Joe's. Without knocking he entered his brother's room, fully knowing how much the thirteen-year-old hated it.  
"Danny!" Joe threw a pillow at the elder. "There's a f…reaking door, you can knock before you open!"  
"Watch your tongue, Joe" Danny said calmly.  
It was this silence before the storm that alarmed Joe. But differently to Jamie, who still cried almost every time anybody was angry with him, Joe wasn't terrified at all. Not anymore. "What did I do now?", he asked, not even looking into Danny's eyes.

Danny bit back what he had wanted to say. He knew Joe felt like the fifth wheel again recently. It was a bad age he was in, and having a little brother with puppy eyes and a sister that was turning into a woman didn't really help.  
"You didn't really wanna say 'freaking', did you?" he asked casually. Joe shrugged. "Don't tell me you're disappointed."  
"I won't", Danny sighed and closed the door, but leaning against it so he wouldn't intrude Joe's private space too much. "But you should not use it in front of mom or grandma. Trust me…don't."  
Joe chuckled. "Did you? When?"  
Danny sighed. "Not in front of them. Erin heard it and then she told mom and…" He grimaced and Joe gave up his resistance and laughed out loudly. "What did she do to you?" "She made me clean the kitchen. Four weeks. Which was bad, because I had to scrub the floor each day. After you and Jamie ate breakfast!"  
Joe bit his lips, but he couldn't stay earnest for long. "Doesn't sound too bad", he grinned, "that's all?"  
Danny shook his head, smiling too. It felt good to talk to Joe like that. It felt easy. He had missed that in the past few weeks.  
"Not really. You know, the scrubbing was the easier part. Mom told dad, and then they talked with me about…" He closed his eyes.  
"Being a good example?", Joe completed, his smile less mischievous now.  
"Yeah. I need to be a good example for you guys and I should pay more respect to people and especially to teachers and…" His voice trailed off again as his mind hopped on to a more important matter.  
"Joe, you know I love you, right?"  
"Not again, please!" Joe rolled his eyes. "Yeah I know and I love you too, and you're a good brother, okay? A very good brother!"  
"You think so?" It was the first time that Danny didn't dare to look into Joe's eyes. Normally it was the other way round.  
"Yeah, I think so." Joe walked over to his big brother. He was already as tall as Danny. "You are", he said firmly, waiting for the elder one to nod. "You are!"  
"I got it, now stop being pathetic!" Danny waved his brother aside, but in the same motion grabbed his brother's shoulders and pulled him close. It was an awkward hug between the two teenagers, and Danny quickly let go of Joe who fled to his bed at once.  
"Close the door from outside, Danny."

"I will." He wouldn't reprimand Joe for telling Jamie about the frog. These things could happen, and the little one had to go through this as Joe had done as well.

After all, one nightmare wouldn't kill Jamie.

"Jamie! Jamie, where the hell are you?" Danny cursed openly now. He had been out there looking for his baby brother for ages. He had just once turned away from him in the commercial center, and now he was gone! Right now, Danny was more angry than worried, but he felt fear slowly rising up inside his throat. He needed to find Jamie, and soon. "I swear to God, when I'll get you…"  
Five minutes later the place was more crowded, Danny could hardly get past the people. They were all gathering around something on the floor right beneath a metal rack, filled with sweets. Some glasses were missing from the rack, as if pulled down by something.  
"Sorry, can I… can I? Please, mam, I need to find my brother!" Danny wound his way through the crowd. Reluctantly the mass moved away so Danny could see what they were staring at.

Jamie.

He was lying on the floor, his head in a very, very unhealthy angle to his neck. There was no blood. No blood at all.

Danny swallowed. "Jamie?" His voice was high and faint as a bird's. A sick bird's. He cleared his throat and moved a little closer to the…  
"Jamie? Mom's gonna be angry, we need to go. We need to go now, get up!" Something was scratching in his eyes. When he realized that it were tears, he broke down next to the little body. This wasn't real. This wasn't real, he had told Jamie not to climb onto any racks or anything else alone, he had told him…  
"C'mon, Jamie, get up, please!" He shook Jamie's shoulders. The head lolled up and down wildly, and a single tear drop ran out of Jamie's nose and down to his lips.  
Jamie hated anything wet on his lips. He had refused to drink for three days because he didn't like the feeling, but then luckily thirst had become to strong.  
He didn't move.  
Danny's view was flooded by tears now. "Jamie!"Sobbing, he caught the little limp body in his arms and hugged him tightly. "Wake up! C'mon, please, Jamie, please, I promise nobody'll be mad at you! Please!"  
"He wanted the big chocolate lolly up there", the shopkeeper cried. "I had customers to watch out for, I couldn't…"  
"You should have had an eye on him! The little boy's dead!" "You took your own money over that child's life!"

Danny didn't hear much of the conversation running around. He was still staring at Jamie, holding him in his arms like he had done at his birth. Only that this time, Jamie didn't smile at him. He had his eyes closed, his face very pale except for the blood on his nose and lips. His skin was cold.  
"No." Danny hugged him tighter, he had to get Jamie warm, he had to get him well again, he couldn't be gone, he couldn't stop smiling and running around, he couldn't be… he couldn't…

He wanted to wake up. This was a dream, he wanted to wake up and see Jamie was alive, now, NOW…

He woke up. Sweating, panting, but he woke up finally. Danny felt tears in his eyes as they adjusted to the darkness of his room. It had been a nightmare. Just a nightmare, it wasn't real, it wasn't…  
He had to see Jamie.  
It was stupid and he knew it, but he also knew he wouldn't find sleep again till he had convinced himself that Jamie was fine. Slowly Danny sneaked through the corridor, his heart beating loudly. Before he entered Jamie's room he forced himself to breathe out deeply. If he woke his brother in the middle of the night, looking as if he had seen a ghost, it would help nobody.  
Silently he moved into the room and fumbled his way through the room.

Jamie's bed stood right at the window, and after some minutes he could see shapes and shadows.

Danny sighed with relief as he saw Jamie wriggling about in his sleep. He didn't make a noise, so he was very likely not at the edge of panicking, but he was – more than very likely – alive.  
He was alive.

Danny sat down at the bed and looked at his little brother, not daring to touch him. "I'll protect you from everything", he repeated quietly, "I promise."


	11. Our last summer part 1

_Skip some time again… it's early July, and it's a very important summer - Danny being 18 and ready to serve in September (by the way I don't know anything about being in the army or how to become a marine, I hope I don't hurt any feelings, in any case I don't want to). There's a lot to settle – just in case, you know, that he won't make it back. The next chapters will probably be rather Danny-centric_

"C'mon, Erin, time for breakfast! Danny, Joe, get up! Get uuup!"  
Danny sighed. It was half past six on a Saturday. He surely admired Jamie for getting up with the sun every day, but honestly – half past six? On holiday? He'd just come home two hours ago.

One door further Joe didn't move either. It wasn't that he'd been out like Danny, but he'd even slept less, hanging on the computer and shooting bad guys. He needed the training, he'd be a cop some day!

"C'mon!" Jamie's voice got a piercing edge in the end, and Danny sighed. He loved his little brother with all his heart, but he was afraid he had overindulged him – Jamie was spoiled. And he was only eight weeks from school.

_A lot of work to do._

And the best idea to start would be showing the little one that he couldn't always get what he wanted.  
He turned around and closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep again.

"Danny!" Little fists hammered against the door. "Danny, please?"  
"No!" But his weak protest was in vain, Jamie had already come in and sat down on Danny's bed, sulking.

"Why don't you get up? It's…"  
"It's half past six, Jamie", Danny growled, slowly opening his eyes, "and no matter what you think, that's far too early! I don't wanna get up, okay? And you can't always have what you want." Jamie's chin quivered, and Danny's voice got automatically softer. "You need to be a big boy now, you're not a baby anymore. Sure, Joe'll watch over you when I'm gone, but…"  
"But that's it!" Jamie grabbed his brother's arm. "You're going away! Don't you wanna…" He grimaced to keep the tears down, "I just wanna spend as much time with you as I can before you go! Don't you?"  
"Of course I do!" Danny pulled Jamie into a fierce hug so he wouldn't see the tears floating into his own eyes. "Course I do, Jamie!" He felt a lump in his throat rising. "Of course." He swallowed heavily, holding his little brother very close, trying not to think about what was lying ahead.

It wasn't that he didn't want to join – he wanted to, he knew it was his duty to serve his country, to protect his family just like his father and his grandpa did. He was ready.  
But not now!  
Not with Erin being in love for the first time (with Donald. Honestly, what kind of parents name their kids Donald?), not with Joe being quite in the middle of puberty. Not, he thought almost desperately as Jamie eventually started to cry into his shirt, with Jamie going to school in September. He wanted to be there when Jamie learned to read and write, because he knew how eager he was to learn – it was almost scaring sometimes how big the kid's memory was (also with bad language Joe used in front of him. Not that Jamie ever repeated them in public, but he had asked Danny once what a "Motherfucker" was exactly. Yeah).

Danny had loved being in elementary school, sure, and he knew that in St. Andrews the chances for getting bullied were almost nothing, but still - he wouldn't be there.  
With September 8th, he'd be gone and out of his family's life. He wouldn't be there anymore to protect his siblings, and that worried him deeper than he'd ever thought. Danny was afraid of what would happen to them when he wasn't there. He was afraid they'd need him, and he was even more afraid that they wouldn't. That they would keep on living as if nothing had changed, and that when he returned, they'd see him as an intruder.  
Danny took a deep breath as he gently ruffled Jamie's hair. The little one got to the point right away: He wanted to spend time with his family, as much as possible. He wanted them to tell him that he was an important member of the family, no matter how much the Iraq would change him.  
For all he knew and had heard, war changed everyone.

"Hey, Jamie" Danny's mouth was dry now. "What do you think, should we go down and make some pancakes for the others? Maybe they'll get up easier then!"  
Jamie beamed. "Yeah, let's do pancakes!" His big blue eyes, just swimming in tears, gleamed with excitement now. He jumped off the bed and to the door. "C'mon!"

Danny smiled. "On my way." He stifled a yawn as he followed the younger one down the stairs.

There had been a reason for his being away and getting half-drunk in secrecy last night: He had tried to forget. It was a coward's reaction to shy away from the army, and being homesick as he was sure he would be was just… embarrassing. If he really loved his family, how could he justify not going to defend them?

But what if they needed him at home? He had to talk to Joe. Showing his little brother the ropes on how to be the man in the family – at least when it came down to Erin and Jamie.

"C'mooon!" Jamie stood in front of the fridge and was just emptying it. "What do we need for pancakes?"  
"Uhm… eggs, milk… flour I guess? Don't ask me, you're the brains here!" Hell, he didn't even know how to cook. Danny swallowed again. Jamie's smile faded, and he suddenly felt useless. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference if he didn't come back. Maybe the others wouldn't even notice it. "Sorry, Jamie", Danny heard himself mumble through numb lips, "I don't know. You gotta ask mom." Or dad, Erin, grandpa… anyone. Except Joe, probably.

"But it's not a surprise if we tell mom!"  
"Yeah. I know." Danny sighed. "Well, then let's try! Get the eggs over there!"

Sooner or later – sooner, hopefully – their mom would wake up and smell something strange from the kitchen, and then she'd save him.

Ten minutes later, however, it started to smell like pancakes. Jamie who had been watching more than doing anything, was staring an awe at the brown slices that Danny threw onto a plate.

It was so worth it. It was even fun, almost.

"Danny?"  
"No reason to wake up mom before breakfast's ready, what do you think, huh?" He smiled, for once satisfied with himself.

Jamie just leaned against his big brother and threw his arms around him. "I don't want you to go", he said firmly. "I really, really don't."  
"But I have to", Danny answered calmly, catapulting the last pancake onto the plate. "And it's gonna be okay."  
"No it won't."  
"Yes it will." Danny knelt down so he was at eye's height with his little brother. "It will because I know that I can count on you, Jamie. You'll be good at school. You'll listen to your teachers, you'll be nice to your comrades, and they'll be nice to you. You'll find new friends…"  
"I don't need new friends! I got friends, and my best friend is you, so you stay!"

Danny sighed. "I'll come back. I promise I'll do anything to come back. But I've got to go. And you…"  
"I'm gonna miss you!" Jamie turned around and threw forks and knifes onto the table. "Stupid school and stupid army, can't I not go with you and we start school later together?"  
"God forbid", Danny murmured, and loud he said, "you're not a baby anymore, Jamie. You go to school, you won't even notice I'm away. Now tell mom and dad and Erin and Joe that breakfast is ready."

Jamie hit him.

He hit him. For the first time ever in his whole life, Jamie Reagan hit his oldest brother in the chest. "Idiot", he cried (thank god it wasn't "motherfucker", a small part in Danny said), "you think I'm that stupid? You're such an… of course I will notice it! I hate you going, I'll miss you everyday, we all will! You're so… idiot!" Danny had never seen his baby brother that angry. "Joe said the same thing last week, he said we wouldn't get it if he was gone! You're idiots, both of you!"

"Joe said what?" Danny was shocked. He obviously hadn't paid enough attention to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
Jamie shrugged. "Why should I? You're leaving us and it's okay and everything's gonna be fine and we won't even notice it, remember? Remember?"  
With that, he stormed off and up the stairs, almost knocking down Erin as she walked down, alarmed by the noise.

As she entered the kitchen she found a crying Danny.


	12. Our last summer part 2

_With all writing about Jamie's being dead, and RL trying to kill me as well, I couldn't really find it in me to write another chapter. And then "_**Superheros**_" by _**riowolf** _came on, and… I knew that I had to update again, and at the same time I knew and know that her way to describe the brothers and Erin as kids just can't be reached. So I guess that this story will end a bit sooner than I planned at the start. There's two chapters left to come about the childhood (including a story _**mi guard**_ gave me the idea to, and I hope I'll get it right), and then there'll be something about Danny's wedding, Nicky's birth (so both siblings get their share somehow), Mary's death, probably the introduction of Sydney, and Joe's death of course, since that when Danny's got to face the truth: He'll never stop worrying about the little one.  
Actually I'm pretty much overwhelmed by what I read here, I've never seen a fandom that vivid, colorful and emotional as this. This is amazing (sorry, that had to be said once).  
To you guys, and to the Reagan family!_

"Jamie? Can I come in?" Danny called softly. It was his last evening home. Tomorrow he'd head over to the army camp, and five weeks from now he'd be gone from the continent.  
The only thing heard from inside was Jamie sobbing, and Danny cursed himself quietly. He had screwed up today. Not only with Jamie.  
"He won't answer you right now, he's too afraid he'll cry for real if he sees you." Danny turned around. He'd screwed up with Erin, too. "I…"  
"For my part at least, I'd be afraid to cry. And that this would be the last picture you had from me." She tried a smile but failed, and as she moved closer Danny could see her eyes were red, though she quickly looked away as she knocked on the door.  
"Jamie, come on, get out of here!" She waited for a second, then hit the wood with her flat hand. "Get out!" She threw a look back to Danny who shook his head. "It's okay, don't force him if he…"  
"Jamison Thomas Reagan, open that damn door now!"  
"You really still think that works?" Joe came up behind them, sighing. Nevertheless he, too, hit the door. "Jamie, come on! We've got to talk to you. Please?"

Silence. Danny swallowed. As Joe raised his hand again he stopped him. "Let him be, Joe. Either way I've gotta talk to you guys, too." He looked from one to the other. "I'm sorry for what I said. Not only today but… all the time. I love you, you know that?"  
Both quickly nodded and Danny smiled relieved as he reached out for his sibling's hands. They took them, and Joe even reached for Erin's free hand to close the circle. Danny smiled at the sight. Even more so as Joe looked at him questioningly. The fifteen-year-old had taken the challenge to be the oldest brother from now on, even Erin was still one year his senior.  
_"You need to take care of them for me, okay, Joe?"  
"But who's gonna take care of me as long as you're away?" The words came over Joe's lips only reluctantly. He hated to say, to admit even to himself, how much he still needed his big brother. Danny took hold of Joe's shoulders, forcing him to look at him. "You're not alone, Joe. No matter what's going to happen, no matter where I am, you will never be alone. Understood?"  
"That's not an answer." Joe was unimpressed. "Who's there for taking care of you, normally?" He frowned as he tried to find the answer to his own question. "There's nobody you have, is it?" New approval shone in his eyes, and Danny couldn't help but smile. "That's not true."  
"Yes, it is." Joe was very earnest now. "You're all alone with us, and we're not really helpful always. I'm sorry." He swallowed. "I don't think I can do this, Danny. You're the hero in this family!"  
"Joe, shut up!" Sighing, Danny hugged his little brother, more to stop him than anything else, and he was half expecting Joe would wind out of the embrace at once. As the younger one held him close instead Danny felt his heart widen with both pride and love. "I'm not alone" he whispered, "I couldn't do this if I was alone. But I'm not. I got you. You and Erin and Jamie and mom and dad and grandpa, and grandma…" He carefully pulled back but still held Joe on arm's length, "Joe family's no one-track road. I'm grateful every day to have you. I know I can trust you, and I know you will take care of the others, probably better than I can. Jamie's looking up to you, and Erin is, too. In a way she'll never look up to me, come on!" Joe laughed, and Danny fell in happily. "You're gonna do this, Joe. I know you can. I'm proud of you. And I love you, don't forget that, okay?" _

At least one he had managed to get a good goodbye with. Danny sighed. "I'm really sorry, Erin."  
Erin shrugged. Her fake smile was better now than before, but it was still fake. "You're a jerk, Danny, I know that. It's okay." She squeezed Danny's hand. "Just make sure you'll come back the same jerk you leave as."  
Danny chuckled. "Did you really say that? Joe, you're a witness, she just said that!"

"I…" Erin shook her head disapprovingly, but after a quick glance to Danny she changed the rest of what she'd wanted to say. "You have nothing against me! I never said that!"  
"Yes, you did, I'm a witness! You better get a lawyer, Erin!"  
"Oh I will… and I've gotta be the lawyer myself!"  
"Lawyer…" Danny looked his sister up and down. "Yes, maybe you will. But don't be such a jackass as lawyer Crowley, okay?"  
"Why's Crowley a jackass? I like him!"  
They all turned around as Jamie finally left his room. His face was red but dry, as if he had just wiped the last tears off – and not gently.  
"Hey, Jamie!" Danny walked over to his little brother. "Thanks for coming out."  
Jamie shrugged. "I'm still mad at you."  
Danny nodded. "I know. I you're right to be mad at me, it's just…" He knelt down so he was almost at eye's height with his baby brother, "I want you to know that I didn't mean it, okay? I know school's a big deal. And you've got every right to be nervous about it, just… don't be afraid, okay? You're gonna do this."  
Jamie shrugged again, biting his lower lip. He was at the edge of crying again, and Danny didn't know if he could stand having Jamie crying without crying himself. It was almost ridiculous how sentimental he had become in the past days, but he couldn't help it. He loved his family more than he had thought he could love, actually – them and Linda, but if he thought about her he surely would cry. If only she waited for him… but wasn't that egoistical? Shouldn't he just wish her a wonderful life, and that she'd be happy with whoever there was to love her?

The doorbell rang, and suddenly Jamie's face lit up. "Okay" he said quickly and grabbed Danny's hand, "come on, let's see who's there."  
Erin and Danny looked at each other, then at Joe, then altogether shook their heads. Danny turned to Jamie again. "You're still mad at me, aren't you?"  
Jamie shook his head, pulling Danny downstairs. "I forgive you", he declared solemnly, "now come on! She's there!"

"She?" Erin and Joe quickly followed them down.  
Danny frowned. "Jamie, what do you…"

"Hey, Jamie! Hey, Danny!" Linda stood in the kitchen, smiling shyly. Danny started smiling immediately. She was so beautiful, he almost couldn't believe she was here, at his home, to see him.  
"Hey, Linda. You're… it's good to see you, how…"  
"Jamie called me." Linda smiled at the little one who went straight into her arms now, and gently tousled his hair. "Hey, Erin, hey, Joe!"  
Joe couldn't stop laughing, he just nodded at the girl his big brother had fallen for. Erin smiled, too. "Hey, Linda. Jamie, come on!" Obediently Jamie left Linda's arms to join his sister, but Danny stopped him. "Jamie? How did you…"  
"Mom told me how to use the phone" the little one beamed, "you said you love her and you want to marry her when you come back… I wanted you to remember that you really need to come back, cause if you don't, I'm gonna marry Linda myself!"  
The others laughed, Linda blushing, as Danny knelt again down with tears in his eyes to hug his little brother. "Thank you, Jamie."  
"Love you, Danny."  
"I love you too, little one."


	13. After the summer

_Hey! Thanks for all your encouragement and kind words… I was afraid I'd lost the grip on this story, and then reading that you still like it really helped me. I'll try to stop abusing the A/N from now on, though, being that almost every time I write something about chapters left to come, next time I change the plan. So to this chapter – I just remembered a request form earlier on: sick Jamie!_

"Hey, guys, how're you doing?" Danny took a deep breath as the line got connected. Four months done. It got harder with every week to keep his voice steady when he called his family, but he had to be strong. He still was the big brother, though Joe was trying hard to do his job. And he wanted his parents to be proud of him.

"Hey, Danny!" Erin had a hard time keeping her voice steady, too. And it was not only because she missed her brother, which actually she did more than she had expected. "How are you?"  
Danny didn't hear the strain in her voice, it was too loud around him. By now shots were fired even at night sometimes, and though they were far away enough not to be in immediate danger – he had lost the feeling of security. Some kind of fear was with him wherever he went, fear of every step, fear of being blown away or, worse, of letting down his comrades and seeing them killed. They were allowed two home calls per week, ten minutes each, and one of them was spent with Linda. She was the only one Danny allowed himself to be honest with – so he cried every now and then when he was talking to her. Linda had promised to be there for him wherever he would go, but he had never hoped for this. If he ever would come back the second way he would go was to her, and fall down on his knees before her and ask her to marry him. Of course, the first way would be straight home to his family. He owed Jamie to take him with him when he went to Linda.

"Danny?" Erin clasped the phone. "You're here?"  
"Of course I am." He had to be strong. "Everything's fine so far. Well… as fine as it can be, I guess. I miss you."  
"We miss you, too." Erin smiled sadly. In the past three weeks their talking had been almost the same, just mentioning the obvious. But what should she tell him? You don't waste your two minutes with your brother with complaining about school.  
"How about Andrew?" Or boys. Erin bit her lips. "He's an idiot."  
"Is he? I knew it." Danny did his best to force a grin onto his lips, even though Erin wouldn't see it. He didn't want to lose the connection to his family, and he wanted to smash that idiot's head for whatever he had done to Erin, but… it all was kind of unrealistic.

"So…"  
"Jamie's sick!" Erin blurted out, ignoring her mother's reproachful look. "He caught fever last week in school, and it didn't go down, and then he didn't wake up anymore and we got him to hospital and…"  
"Hey, hey, wait! What do you mean?" Fear. Here it was again, the same feeling he had every time they drove through a destroyed city. Danny leant to the desk heavily. "Where is he now? Where are you?"  
"We're home, we're all home again." Erin swallowed but forced herself to speak on, "mom or dad are keeping watch over him. Sometimes grandma stays up, too. The doctors say it's pneumonia with something bacterial, I don't know what. We've just come home from hospital, they checked him out again…"  
"Okay" Danny interrupted quickly, trying to keep his thoughts in order. "How about Joe?"  
"Joe?" Now Erin sounded confused. "He's… I'm sorry, Danny, he's asleep, he stayed up with Dad and Jamie last night and... mom said he should sleep. We thought you'd call later, you know, we…"  
"It's okay, Erin, it's okay." Danny checked his watch. Already six minutes done. "Can I talk to Jamie? Please?"  
"I… I don't know." Erin shot a quick glance to the closed door. "Maybe he's sleeping."  
"Could you please just go and look? Erin!"  
"Yeah… on my way." Erin sighed. "He didn't even want you to know, Danny. He doesn't want you to worry."  
"Appreciated" Danny bit out, his eyes burning and his stomach still twisted, "now can you please get him on the phone? I got three minutes left."  
"Sure. Jamie, get up!"

"Hi…"  
"Jamie!" Danny couldn`t say which feeling was stronger: relief to hear Jamie's voice or shock at the weakness of it. He swallowed. "How are you, little one?"  
"I'm good, Danny. How are you? Is it cold in Afghanistan? Are…" A painful cough stopped the questions and Danny felt the knot in his stomach tightening. "Jamie?"  
"I'm okay." The brave words were alleviated, however, by the hoarse voice. "I'm a bit sick, but…"  
"A bit? Jamie, didn't you promise not to lie to me? What the hell are you doing?" He regretted his words as soon as he'd said them.  
"Sorry, Danny." He could almost see the younger one wince at the harsh tone. "I just don't want you worrying `bout me when you're over there." The voice got weaker with every second. "You need to watch out!"  
"I know, Jamie. I know." Danny closed his eyes. He missed his whole family, but with Jamie it was the worst. The thought of his baby brother suffering made him choke. He had sworn to protect Jamie and be there, and now he was thousands of miles away and couldn't even comfort him.  
"Sorry I yelled at you" he said softly, "but you can't make me stop worrying about you guys, you hear me? It's my job to worry about you." He sighed. "You get healthy, okay? Next week I want to hear you're in school again."  
"Promise" Jamie whispered sleepily. Talking was exhausting.

Danny fought against the tears that were threatening to roll down his cheeks. He didn't want Jamie to be brave! Yes, he had wished him to be stronger in summer, but… that had been bullshit. He didn't want his brother to be strong and hard, he wanted him to be happy. And healthy. And he wanted to be with him again, he wanted to be with his family again. God, he wanted to come home! Where was the sense behind it all if he was trapped here while Jamie… his knuckles went white as he clung to the phone.

"C'mon, Reagan!" He was running out of time. Danny sighed. He fought with his comrades, ate and slept with them. They were brothers in every way but one – and though they had sworn to die for each other, none of them would share their family time. He wouldn't, either.  
"Jamie, I gotta go!" He could barely fight the tears anymore. "Just get better, right? And say hello to mom and dad and Joe."  
"… and grandma and grandpa?" Jamie offered weakly. "Okay. Come back soon."  
"I will." He wouldn't. But right now this was the least he was going to tell Jamie. "Take care."  
"Love you, Danny."  
Jamie hung up, leaving Danny with tears in his eyes and a curse on his lips. And even more prayers to be whispered at night.

"Hey, honey!"  
"Hi, babe." Danny didn't know how she did it – but Linda always made him smile. It was so good to hear her voice. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine. Life's not too exciting round here. Especially without you." Linda smiled, too, but it didn't last long. Waiting for your loved ones to come home was a long process, especially when you basically were proud of them. And she was. But she felt wearier every day, and sounding light-headed wouldn't do for longer. "I miss you, Danny."  
"I miss you, too. But I… I promise, i…"  
"You'll come back soon? That's what your little brother told me today." Linda shook her head. "I hope so, Danny. But you better give "soon" a date."  
"You've talked to Jamie? How is he?" Danny was alarmed again and Linda felt her heart melting towards him at the love he bore for his little brother. "Yes, I did. And he's… wait a second." Filled with a new surge of love she turned sat down on the sofa next to the little boy wrapped in a blanket and handed him the phone. "Ask him yourself! I love you!"

"Danny?"  
"Jamie! Hey, you're sounding great!" Danny sighed in relief. "How you're doing, uh? What you're doing at Linda's?"  
"I'm not at Linda's home, she's with us! I'm still not allowed to go out." Danny smiled as he heard the sulking in the boy's still weak voice. At least his breathing didn't sound so labored anymore. The noise had haunted his nightmares.  
"Sorry, Danny. I know I shoulda be back in school now."  
"No, it's okay, Jamie, it's okay. The most important thing is you're getting better. I'll teach you reading when I come back."  
"I can read!" Danny heard Linda laughing softly at the protest and smiled even more.  
"Danny? When will you come back?" The laughter died, and Danny closed his eyes. "Soon, Jamie."

"But when is soon?" Jamie closed his eyes, too, and Linda gently wrapped her arm around the child. "I… sorry, Jamie. I don't know. It will last… a bit." Linda and Jamie grumbled in unison.  
"Till… easter?"  
Danny shook his head. "Longer than that."  
"Longer? But you already missed Christmas!"  
"I know, Jamie. I know. And I'm so sorry. I miss you. Hey, don't – don't cry, okay? Don't…" Danny's eyes watered as he heard the low sobbing. He needed to be home and hold his brother now, what the hell was he doing here? "Jamie, it's okay, it's okay, please just don't cry! If you cry I'll cry, too, and that's.. embarrassing. Please don't, it's gonna be okay!"

"As if you cared what people think about you!" Linda had taken the phone again, gently rocking Jamie and trying to make the boys smile again. "We'll wait for you, Danny. Don't you worry. We'll be here and watch out for each other. I promise."  
"I know, babe." Danny's body ached with longing but his voice was steady and warm again. "I love you. Every day more."  
"Love you too, Danny."  
Jamie swallowed down the last tears. "Love you too, Danny! And Joe and Erin and mom and dad, too! Don't get hurt, okay?"  
"I'll try."


	14. Preparations

Eighteen months. Eighteen months Danny had spent far away from his family, and from Linda. Away from home, from his old life – from everything he had known. Sometimes it felt even like he was away from everything he had been.

As much as Danny longed to come home, he feared it. He had changed so much in those months, and his family – they had changed, too. Jamie was in second class now, Joe was a senior in high school, Erin had started her last year. Both Joe and Erin were dating again, Joe had Angela for more than two months and Erin had just had her third date with a rich guy called John Boyle. Dad had been promoted head detective, Linda had started with nursery school… life was going on and exciting for the Reagans, and that was good, and there was nothing Danny wanted more than for them to be happy, but… as he entered the plane that would bring him back to the United States he couldn't shake the feeling that everything happening in their lives was separating him from them.  
When the plane landed at Camp Pendleton Danny was at the edge of panicking. He had only four days till he would board another plane and fly home. New York.  
He knew that his family would be waiting at the airport, all of them. Before Danny had left, his dad had promised Jamie to take him out of school on this special date – actually he had promised to bring Jamie to the airport even if the Statue of Liberty collapsed, Brooklyn Bridge broke down, the volcano of Yellowstone exploded and aliens took over the planet. Danny smiled. He wasn't afraid of seeing Jamie again, he missed the little one terribly. It would be easy with him – Jamie was still a child, in front of him Danny wouldn't have to pretend anything. If he didn't want to talk about what had happened, Jamie wouldn't force him to. He still lived in a protected little world, and now more than ever Danny was thankful for it.  
Still, he was nervous. More than nervous.

The first call he made was sent to mailbox. Danny almost hurled the cell to the ground, crying with anger. Was it really asked too much she would pick up? Only seconds later he regretted his outburst and cried even more, out of disappointment of himself now. He really wasn't ready to get back yet. How could he… he called again, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. Mailbox again. Danny closed his eyes. "Hey, baby, it's me" he said gently, "I just wanted you to know that… I'm back again. I've just arrived and… I will be in New York on Thursday, uhm… I'm afraid somehow. I'm not really ready to get here, though I… I miss you like crazy, Linda. You gotta believe me. I miss you so much. I love you. But… don't take everything serious what I say or do in the next few weeks, okay? I think I'm very likely to behave like an idiot. But I really don't mean it, okay? I just… okay, better talk about it later. I love you, Linda, I love you so much. I hope you come and get me."

"…Know what I mean?" Linda had tears in her eyes as she took her cell from the table. Right after she had heard Danny's message she had driven to the Reagans. "Is that normal? I mean, is this…" She stopped and looked down, trying to get the tears away. Mary put her arm around her eldest's girlfriend. "Yes it is" she said assuring before Frank or Henry could even open their mouth, "when Frank came home he was the same. Just that we didn't have cell phones there so he told me when I came picking him up." It was obvious Mary was worried, too, but she did her best not to show it. Only Frank saw the concern in his wife's eyes and jumped in to support her.  
"He will be alright, Linda. Knowing that your behavior has changed means Danny's started to reflect. It will take time, but he has already settled his priorities – he wants to live here with you. I have no doubt that he will be okay. And I have no doubt either" he looked directly at Linda now, his eyes gleaming, "that you will be strong enough to help him through this. If you want to."

Linda gasped, then smiled. "I will. I promise I will." With glowing cheeks, she reached out and grabbed Frank's hand over the table.  
She had never expected the situation like this – that she would ask her boyfriend's father for his son's hand. She had always dreamt it would be the opposite, but it was good the way it was right now.  
As Mary hugged the young nurse-to-be, both women had tears in their eyes. Mary because she knew her son had found a woman strong enough to both tame him and give him his freedom, and Linda because she had finally found a family.

"Alright." Frank faced each of his children, standing in front of him expectantly. Erin had her arms wrapped protectively around Jamie, who didn't even seem to notice the gesture from all his excitement.  
Tomorrow they would go and finally see Danny again and bring him home.  
Frank smiled as he remembered their reactions when he had told them that their brother had safely reached the states. Unexpected from everyone, Joe had cried out in relief and then pulled both his father and Erin who was nearest, I a bear hug. Erin had grabbed for Jamie then, and Jamie had flipped his fingers to get Linda's attention. When she had taken one step towards them, both Erin and Jamie had reached out for her, welcoming her officially in the family. When Frank had looked up he had seen his beautiful wife standing at the door, beaming with love and pride, and tears of joy in her eyes. Of course he had pulled her in, too, and if Joe hadn't started coughing they probably would never have parted.

Now, though, Joe seemed concerned. "What's up, dad? He's okay, isn't he?" Automatically, Erin's grip around Jamie tightened.  
Frank nodded quickly. "Yes, he is. But your brother has been away for one and a half year, and the things he has seen and maybe done are not easy to shake off, and he can't – and mustn't – ever forget them." As he saw the shock in his son's eyes Frank's voice went gentler. "You will need to be patient with Danny. He may say things he shouldn't, things that seem rude to you. And sometimes he may even tell you that none of your problems really matter, comparing them to what's going on overseas."  
Erin inhaled sharply, but nodded. She had a certain idea her dad was talking about John when he said "problems".  
"I've been where your brother was – literally, not in the same country, well noticed, Jamie" he added when his youngest frowned, "and I know that it is hard to get back. To find your place again. It's hard but it can be done. Danny is a strong young men, and he has three wonderful siblings. It will never be the same again, I told you that, but it is going to be okay. You just have to remember that no matter how often you will fight, or how closed up he may seem in the next week, Danny loves you. He really does. We're his family, we know him better than anyone else. And we will help him enjoy his life at home, won't we?"  
"We will!" Jamie cried excited, "of course we will!" Then his eyes went wide. "Dad…"

Automatically Frank turned around to see Jamie's line of sight, thinking there was a spider behind him scaring his son. There was nothing to see. He turned around, confused. "What is it, Jamie?"

Jamie broke out of his sister's arms and moved closer to his father. His expression was gravely – far too gravely for an eight year-old. Frank bowed down to be at one eye height with his son.  
Jamie swallowed heavily. "Would it be better for Danny if we didn't go altogether picking him up?" He had tears in his eyes.

Frank couldn't help but smile. He knew well that Jamie was just offering the greatest sacrifice he was capable of. "No" he said, "I don't think that would be better. We're a family and we're going as a family. No one excluded. Okay?"

Jamie nodded frantically, too relieved to speak.

Frank stood up again. "Then I suggest you go to bed, we'll leave early tomorrow!"


	15. Coming home

Needless to say none of the kids slept much that night. Joe peeked through the keyhole to see when his parents would leave Jamie's room, and as soon as they had disappeared from his sight and entered the stairs, he was out of his room and at his little brother's bed.  
Jamie smiled, wide awake as well. "Erin?" he whispered, and Joe nodded proudly. At least he had managed to teach Jamie something. "Let's see" he whispered back, and together the brother went to their sister's room – at the other end of the corridor, far away from the stairs and their parents.  
Joe had matured enough to knock on the door – before he went in, not awaiting Erin's answer.  
The room was empty.

Joe frowned. "Erin?" He turned full circle, trying to locate his sister's hiding place. The room wasn't that big and his sister didn't use to hide beneath her bed since… since ever.  
"Erin?" Jamie fell in, too excited to keep his voice silent. "Erin, where…"  
"Shh!" Joe quickly put his hand over his little brother's mouth. "You wanna get mom and dad up again?" Jamie's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "Good."

"Joe, what the hell are you doing?" Only Erin was able to keep her voice sharp and hushed at he same time.  
Joe let go at once. "Sorry" he murmured, "did I hurt you?"  
Jamie waved aside, his eyes glued to Erin – and to the envelope in her hand. "Do you…"  
"Danny may be confused and hurt from all he lived through, but he is home and will soon be with us again" Erin said solemnly, clearly enjoying her brothers' absolute attention, "and I think we should have read this when he comes." A lot less solemn, she added, "and he doesn't need to know we didn't open it all the time. I don't wanna tell him we didn't."  
"Nope" Joe confirmed, eyes glued to the envelope as well. "Let's read it." He looked at his siblings. "Altogether?"  
"On the bed?" Jamie suggested. Erin nodded, trying to get solemn again. "Alright. Let's…"  
"Then open it!" Jamie cried and jumped onto his sister's bed. Joe sat down next to him while Erin took a pair of scissors to carefully cut the letter open.

After Danny had left the siblings had come together in his room, and there they had found an envelope on his bed, addressed to all of them. The first moment of excitement had been quickly followed by a moment of collective panic, and soon they had agreed to not open the letter. They didn't want to read reassuring words from their brother when he could die at the same time. And if Danny would never come back – though nobody had ever spoken this possibility out aloud - they didn't want to know the content. It was a decision made in defiance and fear, and in those eighteen months each of them had regretted it.  
Several times one of them had sneaked up into Danny's room to open the envelope, but somehow one of the others had always stopped him. When Jamie had caught fever, Joe's first reaction had been to run up and get the letter, while Erin just wanted to burn it - being in danger of losing two brothers every moment had been too much to cope with.

Anyway, after one year they had repeated their promise not to open the letter, this time – officially – not because they feared to lose Danny, but because he was so brave and had to renounce so much. They didn't fight, but at least they could abstain, too.

But now they didn't have to be afraid anymore. Erin's fingers were shaking slightly as she sat down next to Jamie and placed the letter down in the middle.  
"I'd never thought I'd miss him so much" she confessed quietly. "I'm so glad he'll come home."  
There was no reaction – both Joe and Jamie were busy reading. Erin took a deep breath and looked at the letter.

_Hey guys,_

_this is the fifth start of a letter, and I swear it'll be the last, I've still got loads of packing to do. I know you're worried about where I'm going and what I'm doing now, and honestly – I don't feel too comfortable, either. I know that I'm doing the right thing – I am, Erin – but it's still tough leaving you guys. I know you're gonna hate me for this, but I signed up for the total length. Eighteen months. That's a damn long time but I've got to do it. And if I'll have to do a second tour, so be it.  
Okay, if you're reading this aloud could you please leave the "damn" out when Jamie's listening? I don't want a curse to be the last thing he hears from me for a long time.  
I love you guys, I need you to know that. And I know you'll do just fine without me. Just…try not to forget about me, okay?_

_Erin, I know I'm a jerk sometimes, but you're the best sister anyone could get. And you're beautiful, and clever, so don't think you've got to give every guy a chance. You're better than that. Wait for the right man to come, I promise he will. And when I come back you introduce him to me and then he'll really get tested. And if he survives me… you know what I mean. Watch out for Joe and Jamie. They look up to you, and they need you – they need someone reasonable. I love you._

_Joe… god knows I'm a jerk to you, too, sometimes. I'm sorry for that. I know we've had quite a rough time recently, and I'm sorry for that, too. Just know that no matter what I said I'm proud of you. You _are_ one of the coolest guys I've ever met, and yes – you already are better in school than I ever was. Point for you. But that doesn't give you the right to stop caring for your marks, alright? Man, you've gotta be a role model now. And you gotta keep an eye on Erin, but try not to strangle everyone she's talking to. Grandpa once made that mistake and almost ended up in… well, let's talk about that when I come back, alright? Joe, you're the best friend I have. I know I can trust you, and I know you will never let me down, and I'm so thankful for it. Take care._

_Jamie, I know you're still mad at me because I'm missing your first days in school. Hell, I'm gonna miss your first one and a half years in school. I'm so sorry, Jamie. I know I promised never to let you down, and now… it' okay to be angry at me, but you've got to know I really didn't want to leave you. And I'm only a phone call away! You're gonna do this. And from how I know you I think you'll be better at school than even Joe is. I'm proud of you, Jamie. I know you don't want to hear this because it sounds like goodbye, but I need to say this, okay? Whatever will happen to me, you've gotta know that you never gonna be alone. You'll always have Erin and Joe to look after you, and mom and dad of course. They'll be there for you. And you've gotta be there for them, even after I'll come back. Stop Joe before he does really stupid things, and get Erin to laugh a bit more. And take care of yourself. Honestly I don't think I'll be able to go on when something happens to any of you. Just – don't do anything stupid or dangerous or somehow…_

_Be safe, okay? Promise me you'll take care of each other. I love you, guys. I really love you. And I'm gonna miss you like crazy._

_Right and now's the time to stop being corny.  
See you later, guys. Kiss mom and dad from me.  
Danny._

As soon as she had finished Erin looked up to Joe, tears in her eyes. Joe's glance was challenging, and watery, too. Silently they waited till Jamie was done reading, which wasn't as long as you would expect it from an eight year-old. As he looked up to into his siblings' faces, he was crying openly. "I'm not mad at him!" he protested weakly, and Erin quickly put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. "I know", she whispered soothingly, gently mussing up his hair, "I know and Danny knows, too. He knows we love him" she said with determination, looking at Joe now, "we've talked to him on the phone all the time, he knows it. And he's coming home tomorrow, for crying out loud!"  
"Shh!" both Jamie and Joe hissed, and Erin bit her lips. They didn't dare breathing for a minute, but the rest of the house stayed silent.  
Eventually Erin breathed out softly. "Sorry" she whispered. Joe shook his head. "It's alright, Erin. We're all kind of shaken up, I guess. That's okay. And he's coming back, so we shouldn't take that too serious. It's gonna be okay tomorrow. Don't worry, Jamie!" He punched his little brother playfully on the shoulder, making him giggle.

Erin stared at her brother in amazement. "Who are you and what have you done to Joe?"  
"Funny" he said but couldn't hide a smile. Then he went serious and nodded towards the letter. "He thinks I'm cool. And he's proud of me and trusts me." His face lit up at the memory. Erin put her hand over his and squeezed it. "We all are, Joe! And we all do. You're doing a great job at being the middle child." She bit her lips. "Am I really that bad?"  
Joe chuckled. "No, Erin, you're great. Really. But I feel sorry for John somehow. Danny's gonna drive him crazy!"  
Erin blushed. "You think I really should introduce him to Danny yet?"  
"Doesn't seem like you had a choice." Joe sighed. "I just hope he'll like Angela."  
"He will" Erin smiled, "she's a good girl. I don't always understand how she gets on with you, but she does. And she's happy when she's with you. Hell, she wouldn't stay here if she didn't!"  
Joe nodded in relief. "Makes sense. Alright, let's go to bed everyone?"  
Erin nodded. "Yeah, it's about time. Especially for you, Jamie. Jamie?"

The youngest was rereading a certain line on the letter, over and over again.  
"Jamie? What's wrong?"  
"Danny wants me to take care of you" Jamie whispered fearfully, "even after he's come back." He looked up. "How am I supposed to take care of anybody?"  
Even Joe was unsure what to say now. "I guess you just… ask him tomorrow."  
To which Jamie frowned. "If I ask him tomorrow he'll know that we haven't read the letter before."  
Erin smirked. "Good point, Jamie."  
"You got a better idea?"  
She sighed. "Unfortunately, no. But I'm sure you'll figure out." She smiled assuringly.  
Joe chuckled. "That's Erinish for: I have nooo idea."  
Jamie grinned but quickly became earnest again. "What am I supposed to do, still?"  
Joe and Erin looked at each other. "What about…"  
"Let's start with sleeping" Erin suggested, and Joe nodded, thankful for the input. "She's right, Jamie. Go to bed or you'll oversleep Danny arriving here!"  
Jamie hardly slept that night.

Frank and Mary didn't sleep much, either. When Jamie couldn't stay in bed any longer at four o'clock in the morning he found his parents already dressed up in the living room. When Frank went up to wake up his other children at half past five, both of them were staring at the ceiling, clearly waiting to be called for.  
They picked Linda up at six and drove to the airport, none of them speaking a word – which was odd for Joe and Jamie, and even stranger for grandpa Henry. The elder man had not lost a single word about war and being in the army since Linda had shown them the letter. And he didn't let go of Betty's hand all the way.

They stood lined up, all seven, next to what seemed like a hundred other families. Frank had picked up Jamie so he would see his brother when he entered the arrival hall of JFK.

They waited.

Eventually Betty sat down on the floor, grumbling. More to make it less embarrassing for her mother-in-law than because her legs gave way, Mary sat down next to her, and sometimes later Erin and Linda followed, leaving the men staring at the closed doors.

Then they opened.

Danny hadn't slept much that night, either. He had thought about what to say to his parents, to his siblings, to Linda…over and over again he had thought what would be best. He still had no idea. How do you greet your family after you haven't seen them for one and a half year? And whom should he start with? Mom? Dad? He couldn't really start with greeting Linda. If she was at the airport. Who knew. Maybe she had decided to stay away for this day. The mere thought of not seeing her for another day brought Danny to the verge of tears again, and crying was the most forbidden thing at all. He had grown into a man in these years, and he would not cry when he came home. He had not deserved such a relief.

The doors opened too quickly. Danny was standing in the first row, next to a young man called Eddie. From the stiff way to hold his head Danny knew that his comrade was feeling the same.  
"Why do I wish to be back in camp Jrat now?" Eddie murmured promptly, and just as Danny was about to answer him, he saw them.

All of them had come. All of them were here, waiting for him to come home. He was safe again. "God…" whatever Danny had wanted to say was washed away be the tears that tickled his eyes, choking him. He didn't care. Through the tears his eyes were fixed on his family, on Linda staring in his direction, not seeing him yet but with a glance so full of passion that she soon would burn the doors down. On Joe, holding hands with Erin as they stared, too. On his father, having one arm around his mother, holding her close, and the other one holding Jamie up against his chest.  
Suddenly the doors were opening far too slowly.

As soon as there was space enough, Danny and Eddie squeezed through the door. A very short glance to his comrade told Danny that he, too, was overwhelmed.

Then Jamie saw him, and called his name, cried it right into the breathless, expectant silence: "Dannyyyyy!"

Danny walked faster as the crowd began to cheer, started by the little boy who now struggled to get down as soon as he could. He wiped off the tears as he started to run, only to quickly be passed by Jim McErran, another comrade who had spent his free time with making fun out of Danny.

Danny couldn't have cared less. He stood in front of his family, a certain distance between them that he dared not break. He wasn't the man they had sent away anymore. What if they would turn away? What if he hurt one of them? What if this distance would remain forever?  
Danny looked up into his father's face but he couldn't read it. All he saw were the tears blinking in his eyes.

"Hey" Dany croaked out, "How's it going? I mean… thanks for coming and… I… I'm sorry for everything I said or will say and…" he stopped, barely controlling his voice anymore. There was nothing he wanted more than hold them and keep them safe, and be safe with them. And there was nothing he feared more than hold them, and break them. He stared at his family, each of them having tears in their eyes.

Erin shook her head. "You're not… you didn't… damn it, Danny!" She moved forward, then backed away, not sure how to behave with her brother. There was nothing she wanted more than hug him, and never let him go – but she was afraid that if she did, he'd break apart right in front of her.

Joe nodded, lips pressed together tightly. He knew he shouldn't think that way now, but if Danny came home from war such a wreck – what would become of him?

Linda had tears in her eyes as well, but she held Danny's glance. "It's okay" she said, quiet but calm, "no matter what it is we'll see it through, Danny."

Danny nodded, shaking violently now. "I…"

"Mom?" Jamie's whimper was so low that Danny almost wouldn't have heard it. He looked down to the boy in front of him. He had missed him so much.  
"Please? Can I? Please!"  
Mary smiled, her eyes fixed on her eldest son as she let go of Jamie's hand and said, "yes."

Jamie jumped forward three steps, arms sprawled out straight ahead till they found what they had searched for.

Danny stumbled back as his little brother hit him full force, throwing his arms around – his stomach, actually. Jamie had grown.

Yet as he started sobbing into his big brother's shirt, Danny knew that he was still the little boy he had held in his arms when he was only hours born.  
"Welcome home, Danny!" Jamie looked up, deep brown eyes that in a few years would make every girl in high school go crazy.  
And he would be there to see it.

"Thank you, Jamie." Danny knelt down to hug his little brother. As his family knelt down at his side, each of them holding on to him somehow, Danny allowed the tears to fall.


	16. Hard way back

_Just a short one… more a filler than a real episode, but I couldn't go on to the next chapter just like that – especially because it hopefully will be funny._

They tried to live on normally with Danny home again, but it wasn't as easy as they had hoped. Especially Joe had his problems – not with the fact that he wasn't the oldest anymore but with the seriousness Danny had woven around himself like some kind of armor. He didn't speak about the eighteen months, at least not with his siblings.  
Which meant that in the first weeks they didn't talk that much at all.

"Will this never end?" Erin sighed as Danny once again left the dinner table for a reason nobody understood. Jamie looked at her angrily. "Let him be!"  
"But how long?" Joe murmured thoughtfully, then looked at his father. Frank sighed. "I'll talk to him."  
"I'll talk to him!"  
For a moment the mood at the table lightened as Mary, Linda and Henry spoke at the same time, and with the same determination. After a short moment of eye-dueling, though, Henry gave in to the women. He knew that his way of talking to a soldier wasn't exactly what his daughter-in-law would call nice and psychologically good. He was a soldier himself, what did she expect from him? "He'll be ready when he's ready, and before you'll get nothing of him" he said – again, as he was doing ever since his oldest grandson had come back. And as ever since he said that, Erin rolled her eyes and Linda smiled at her encouragingly, while Frank sighed deeply.

Mary watched the routine of sorrow. She had tried to leave Danny alone, had tried to treat him like an adult and not like the little boy she still saw in him. She knew him well enough to know that he wanted to be the same person he had left as, he wanted to be the old Danny for his siblings, and for Linda. And she knew, knew it from her own youth, that it was impossible. Frank had changed. Her brother had changed. The challenge was to show Danny that this change didn't make him less loveable.  
"Betty, could you help Erin with the dessert?" She ignored her daughter's fuming as she left the table. Betty grinned. "Of course. Come on, Missy, let's work a little bit!"  
"Grandma!" Another roll of her eyes – a movement Erin had learnt to love. And with Jack, it always worked.  
Not so, of course, with her grandmother.

"Danny?" Mary knocked softly before she opened the door to her eldest's room. "Can I come in?"  
Danny shrugged. He didn't look at his mother as she sat down next to him on the bed. His fingers dug deep into his pillow.  
"Honey…"  
"I'm sorry, mom." His voice was cut shortly just as were his words, even now, more than five weeks after he had come back.  
"You don't have to, Danny." Mary's voice was still calm and soft. She knew the edge of fear in her son's voice, the sense of alert that still hadn't fully accepted he was home.  
"Yes, I have to! I should be normal now."  
"Normal? Danny, what is normal?"

Danny threw his head back in frustration. "Come on, mom! You know what I mean! Don't get to me like Jamie!"

Mary couldn't help smiling. "You talked to Jamie about being normal?"  
"No, Jamie talked to me about being normal!" Danny stated, his voice a mixture of tiredness and the admiration he would always have for his baby brother. "He said he hadn't found a definition for normality yet, so whatever I felt as normal would highly probably be right." He snorted.  
"Seems like a good thought."  
"He's eight years old, mom! He shouldn't think like that!" Another thing that had changed with Danny. He was getting loud in a heartbeat. "What kind of eight-year-old looks out for excuses for his big brother?"  
Mary was unimpressed. "Your little brother" she answered calmly, "and he does it because he loves you. Like we all do."

Danny shrugged. "I'm not the same as before."  
"And I'm glad you are not."

Now she had his full attention. Though she felt more like crying at the sight of pain in Danny's eyes, Mary managed to smile. "Nobody of us knows what you've been through, Danny. We can't know. And trust me, there's been times enough when I wished I could spare you this."  
"Mom, I…"  
"I know." She held up her hand to stop his protest, "and I am so glad you're here again, and healthy. I know you need your time, Danny, time to find your way again. It's okay. Life is looking for the right way, that's all it is about. The journey is the reward, and you are so brave and strong walking on it." Gently she put her arms around Danny's shoulders, and for the first time in five weeks he didn't shake her off.  
"I don't even know why I left right now" he admitted, "it was just… too much. Too crowded. I feel like…" he stopped for a moment, pondering if he really should open up to his mother.  
"I feel like you're all watching me" he whispered eventually, "as if every move I make is checked… I want to be okay for them. Dad and grandpa, they've already been there, I can't disappoint them. And I don't want to frighten Joe or Jamie, they… they look up to me, mom! And I don't want Erin to lose her faith in me. And Linda… and…" he looked away again, tears filling his eyes.

Mary didn't move as her son broke down and cried, not for the first time since he had returned, but for the last in a long time. She forced herself to give him space, to just sit there and wait till he was ready to look at her again. She had seen a child walking out of this room almost two years ago, and now there was a man sitting next to her. A man she couldn't protect by holding him and shielding him from the world, but by letting him walk alone. It hurt more than she had expected. How should she survive this with three other children as well?

"We have watched you" she admitted, "but not to test you, Danny. We were afraid to lose you. Now I know that we won't. You are strong, Danny. You've always been a wonderful son, and now you're a wonderful man. And you've always been and always will be a wonderful brother." She smiled. "And what you will be for Linda – that's your decision alone!"

Danny stared at her. "What?"  
Mary stood up, laughing. "I'm still your mother, Daniel. We will stop following your every movement but you should think about the next step. I know you're ready for it."


	17. A hero's task

_This chapter is dedicated to _**mi guard**_ who had the idea for Danny's costume and encouraged me to write something about it. I hope you like it!_

„You can't be serious."  
A laughter, poorly hidden in coughing, was answer enough.  
Danny shook his head. "Never."  
"You said he could choose, Danny. You said you didn't mind." Joe's voice shivered with malicious joy.  
"Now, come out, princess! Jamie's waiting! Get out or I come in!"  
"Come in and I'll kill you!" Danny roared back – and bit his tongue immediately. He couldn't say these words anymore, not that way, not as the joke they had used it before. He had killed. He had actually taken other people's lives, lives that could have just like his own.  
"Joe?" Slowly he opened the door to his room and stepped away from it, to make clear he was no danger for his younger brother. "I'm sorry, Joe, you know I'd never…"  
"Yeah, I know, I know, Danny. Calm down." Still, Joe's voice was different now, cautious, as were his steps into the room. "Turn around, Danny. Look at – oh my god…"

Whatever distance or fear there had just been between the brothers was carried away by Joe's laughter, so loud and heartily that Danny couldn't help falling in.  
"Mom! Erin!" Joe gasped between laughing, "and is Linda here? You gotta see this!"  
"Not Linda!" Danny begged, helpless himself to sound serious now that his whole body shook with laughter. "Oh god, please don't let her be on the streets tonight!"

"Shouldn't be that much a problem" Erin said smugly, trying to restrain laughter as she reached her brother's room. "Not everyone's so hot on going out for trick or treat."  
Danny glared at her. "You knew it."  
"That?" Erin shook her head. "No. I knew it would be good, but… that great…" She grinned wider every second. "Good job, Joe."  
"Thanks, sis!"

One floor deeper Linda was worried, though she tried not to show it.  
After two minutes of chattering about nothing, Mary decided to release the young woman. "We all heard it, Linda. Are you okay?"  
Caught, Linda shrugged. "I just… don't understand it. We're good, really, I… I…" She looked at her boyfriend's mom, unsure how much she could and should tell her.  
Mary nodded encouragingly. "We struggled a lot at first. He had nightmares, and sometimes it would take till noon for him to fully accept he's home again, and there's a lot he wants nobody to know about, and I don't know how to… prove to him that what he is is so much more than enough, but still… I don't understand why now…" She stopped as Mary gently took her shivering hands into her own. Her eyes were shining.  
"Linda, this is one of the most beautiful things a mother can wish to hear. Thank God my son has found you. I know it won't be that easy with my Danny, but" and now even for her it was hard not to laugh, "let me explain this to you. You know, when Danny went to Iraq he promised Jamie that he would accompany him at Halloween once he'd be back. And when Jamie asked what he would want to dress up as… Danny made the big mistake to say he didn't care. They got partner costumes, and…"

"Mom? Mom, can you help me with the zip?" Jamie walked into the living room. "Hi, Linda."  
The nurse was speechless, and Mary smiled. "Of course, honey, come on. You're looking good."  
"Yeah you do" Linda gasped, still stunned. "it fits you. My little superman." She giggled at the word. "You said partner costumes, Mary?"  
"Partner costumes", she confirmed. "Your boyfriend is Supergirl tonight."

It was not as bad as he had expected.  
It was worse.  
Automatically, Jamie had chosen the same route for getting his sweets as the previous years, when he had gone with friends and their parents, or with his own parents. A route that included his school, their grandparents, father Matthews – who had no problems with Halloween as long as he saw every child who got sweets at mass for All Saints' Day – and… cops.  
Danny swore under his breath. Of course. Safety precaution. Don't go to dark houses you don't know, try to keep to those where you know the owners. Or at least – before you enter an unknown road, make sure you get to a cop first so he will know where you got lost at.  
Basically, Danny liked the idea. He wanted his siblings to be safe, and if he was in dad's position he wouldn't have done it any other way.  
But it meant that he would make a fool of himself in front of all the police officers his father knew. His future bosses, if he made it.

_Fifth door of the night. Renzulli. Through the spyhole he saw the young officer looking at him. There was a muffled sound to be heard behind the door, and the waited a bit longer than it should take to out a key into the keyhole and turn it around. "Hey guys" the police officer grinned, "how you're doing?"  
Jamie beamed. "Trick or treat", he yelled, "and we're gonna fly you up into the sky!"  
"Really? I think I'd love that" Renzulli mused as he took some sweets from a bowl behind his back. "Especially with the young lady here."  
Danny smiled through clenched teeth. "Officer."  
Renzulli nodded politely. "Supergirl." He was not at all impressed by the boys' famous name, and especially not by Danny. Probably because his first year had been Danny's last year in high school, when he had done… well, things that weren't quite what the law required.  
Renzulli was ambitious but he was honest, straight and brave. And like his father had said, he didn't "bow to a uniform but to people". And even if this was somehow against his beliefs – people were made by the uniform they wore, and vice versa – Danny knew that Renzulli currently was one of the best cops on the street.  
That didn't help him now, though. For heaven's sake, he was Supergirl.  
"Thank you, officer!" Jamie said happily, and Renzulli smiled. "Pleasure, young man. You're looking good. That'll be your job one day, uh? Superhero?"  
"Kind of" the young one nodded earnestly. "I'm gonna be a police officer just like dad and grandpa. And you!"  
Astonished, Renzulli looked at him. "Will you, uh? Well, I'd love to see a superman next to me." He blinked at Danny. "Or any other kind of heroes. I heard you enlisted for the academy."  
Danny straightened. "I got accepted, officer. You'll see me soon."  
"Well…" Renzulli's face didn't give his opinion away. "Then I guess I'll see you soon. Take care, guys, and don't eat everything at once!"  
_

"Danny?" Jamie looked up to him. "How you're doing? You're so silent." He looked a bit frightened, and Danny hurried to smile.  
For his little brother, the question "how you're doing?" wasn't the set phrase it was for everyone else. Jamie was afraid he would do anything that could hurt Danny, not understanding that it was just this over-cautiousness that hurt.  
"Yeah, of course, superman, I'm okay."  
Jamie smiled in relief. "As long as we don't get too close to kryptonite."  
"Well, really? I'm not sure. Is supergirl allergic against that, too?"  
"She's your character, how should I know?"  
"But you searched her out!"  
"No, that was Joe."  
Danny snorted. "Of course."  
Jamie stopped. "You don't like being here" he said, not a question.  
Those puppy eyes. Why couldn't it be as it had been once? Danny had managed to restore most relationships to the point where he had been before joining the army.  
Most. Though Jamie had been the first to hug him, now he was the least secure around his big brother, and Danny didn't know why. All he knew was that he hated it.  
"I do like being here" he tried to explain, "I just… okay, look, I really don't like being supergirl, I mean, look at me" – he turned around, his fake long hair whirling around like his red cape, "I'm looking totally ridiculous, just because of Joe, and…"  
"Danny, that's the point."

"What?"  
"That's the point" Jamie repeated, and with immense relief Danny heard a trace of know-it-all in his voice. Came time, he would break this habit of Jamie, but right now it showed him that his little brother was finally starting to feel comfortable. "Halloween was a feast of the Celts in Europe, they would put pumpkins with candles in front of their houses and disguise to get rid of bad spirits and the spirits of the dead would go home. That's one theory, at least."  
"Okay" Danny murmured, his mind already moved on.

"Of course" Jamie went on, "I'm not sure if ridiculous equals terrifying, because that's what they tried to look like. But I guess… I guess there's unicorn coming our way and you should get off the street before it hits you and Cindarella will fall off it!"  
"Yeah, sure." Danny quickly led his younger brother off the street, then he looked up, bewildered. "What did you say is coming on the street?"  
"A unicorn!" Jamie yelled, "you didn't listen to me at all! That's the worst Halloween I've ever had! What's wrong with you, Danny?"  
"A lot!" Danny shouted back, "and being dressed as this won't make it better!" He stopped as he saw the glassy look in his little brother's eyes.  
"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm sorry. But there is something wrong with me, you know that. I'm not really and entirely sure who I am anymore." He hunkered down so his and Jamie's face were – not at the same height anymore. Jamie had grown. He was ten years old. Danny sighed.  
For the first but very not last time in his life he found himself looking up to his baby brother. "Jamie, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry we still got some problems. I've still got to think things through, and there are parts of me that I… "  
"That you hide?"  
"That scare me, Jamie." Danny's eyes never left his brother's face, searching for the slightest trace of fear or closing up. He would not clear his conscience on Jamie's shoulders. "I try to find myself again, okay, but it's not so easy. There are few things that I really know belonging to me."  
Jamie nodded bravely. "Like you know you're not supergirl."

Danny laughed. "Yeah, that's a point. I'm not supergirl." He stood up and put his hands on Jamie's shoulders. How could that kid have gotten so big and serious in those not even two years?  
"One of the things I know, Jamie, is that I love you. You, Joe, Erin, Linda, mom and dad mean the world to me. Please don't forget that, okay? That might be the only true thing that… what are you giggling at?"  
"You put Linda before mom, and she…"  
"Okay, Mr. Perfect, you wanna tell me how to enumerate my heart? Did you even listen to what I just told you?" But Danny was giggling, too. With more energy than he had had the whole evening, he lifted Jamie up into the air and swirled him around. "Come on! Time for Superman to fly!"

Jamie squeaked with delight. At least he wasn't serious to the core. Danny would find the little, easy-going boy again.  
And he would find himself again, as long as Linda was at his side he knew he could do it.  
"Danny!"  
"What? Airsick already?"  
"No! But Linda!"

"Linda?" Jamie's flying lesson ended quickly as Danny sat him on the ground, his knees going suddenly going weak. Involuntarily his fingers wandered to the small box in his pocket. For the last two years he had carried it with him wherever he went, every day, every patrol. Given, he hadn't taken the ring with him wherever he went – it had been too expensive to risk losing it in the sand – but the box had accompanied him. And just as he had carried it through everything, it had carried him through the days, too. The dream it held inside. The dream Danny couldn't wait to bring to life.

Linda smiled. "Hey, my heroes. How are you doing?"  
"Great!" Jamie smiled as he ran to hug her. "I've got two bags of sweets!"  
"Really? Wow."  
"Why did you leave before us? We could've gone together" the boy asked, his arms still around Linda's waist.  
Danny frowned. "Leave?"  
Linda opened her mouth but Jamie was faster. "She was there for tea, I saw her with mom when she helped me with my costume. And when I went to get you, she was gone!"  
Help with the costume. Shortly before they left. Danny turned pale as he realized what Linda must have had to hear. What… the fingers around the box stalled.  
"Linda… sweetheart, I…"  
"I know, Danny." Gently and resolutely, Linda unwrapped Jamie's arms and stepped closer to her boyfriend. "It's okay. I understand your… insecurities about your costume." She looked him up and down and couldn't prevent smiling.

Danny swallowed. For a moment he just wanted to cry. He didn't know how, but somehow he had managed to forget it for a minute: He was wearing a blue skirt and long false blonde hair.

"Danny!" Linda touched his shoulders, just to make sure he was still with her. For Danny, she had never been more beautiful. "Actually" she whispered, "I think that skirt suits you well."

They both giggled like schoolgirls, and for a moment, Jamie was forgotten. The boy didn't complain, though, he was already half through the first bar of chocolate and there was nobody to stop him from eating.

Danny's mouth was dry, his pulse racing. His fingers found the box again, and opened it.  
It was silly. He was Supergirl. He couldn't… but if he didn't ask her now, he would die.  
This was what he had been waiting for since their fourth date.  
"Linda Isabel Morris" he said seriously and took her hands, "you're the most beautiful, wonderful, understanding woman I've ever known. You're the best that ever happened to me. I love you with all my heart, and I… I…" He swallowed.  
Linda's heart stopped. It was good that Danny had taken her hands for she felt dizzy. Was it there? The moment she waited for since their seventh date.

Danny knelt down on one knee, the box in his free hand. Linda gasped.  
"Linda, there is no one on earth I trust more than you. You are… you've been there for me. You're the reason I made it back from Iraq. You're the reason I didn't lose myself completely. And you waited for me" now he had tears in his eyes, as had Linda. The box sprang open.  
"Linda, you didn't have to. And when I came back there were moments when I… moments when I thought it would be better if you had found someone else. I wouldn't be the man I am now if it wasn't for you, baby. Without you, I don't think I … I couldn't live with you, Linda. I want you to know that. You're my rock, my angel, you're the one I want to spend my life with. You are my life. And I…"

"Danny!" Linda cried, loud enough to make Jamie look up from his chocolate.  
Her eyes, however, wandered between her boyfriend's face and the elegant, golden ring. "Please just ask me so I can say yes!"  
Danny stared at her. "You say yes?"  
"Ask me" she begged, tears in her eyes.

Danny's hands shook. His voice was firm and warm, and filled with so much love that Linda almost couldn't wait for the question.  
"Linda, will you marry me?"  
"Yes. Oh my god, Danny, yes!"


End file.
